I may be the only stay at home mom to feel this way, but I feel this way, and pretty strongly.
I do not want a playdate with your nanny.
Please do not say “well, I can’t make it, but BabyGirl can! with NannyMcGee! See you there?”
As the mommy group gets older and older, and more moms are going back to work full or part time, there are more of these responses to meet-ups. And, okay, it’s fine with a big meet up. I say “hey guys there’s a singalong at [fill-in-the-blank], we’ll be there! Anyone want to come?” and if you want to send your nanny with your kid that is totally fine and up to you. As a stay-at-home mom of twins I am always looking for cheap, fun things for me to do with the kids.
DO NOT LET ME BE THE “CHEAP, FUN THING” YOU HAVE YOUR NANNY DO WITH YOUR KID.
There are a couple of mentalities I think that are clashing here.
My mentality: Playdates are about the moms. I want to make mom friends. I hope that my kids get along with their kids. But mostly, at a playdate, my greatest wish is for the kids to occupy themselves and I can sit and chat with an adult.
The other mentality: Playdates are a chance for my kid to socialize. My kid is alone with my nanny all day, I would really like my kid to be around other kids.
Solution: I want to make playdate with other moms. Use the resource of the mom group to find other nannies and make nanny playdates.
It’s not that there is anything inherently wrong with nannies. I am friends with my sitter, we have gone to a concert together and I would totally hang out with her other times. I actually was going to have a playdate with her and one of her other charges on a day that she isn’t working for me, because she is nice and fun to talk to. The reason I don’t want to hang out with other people’s nannies is that they come and go, and I just don’t know what we have in common, and I don’t feel like trying to forge that relationship.
Not to mention the power difference. I am friends with your nanny’s employer (you). How would you like to hang out with your boss’s friend while at work? Would you feel like someone was watching your every move? Even if your nanny doesn’t feel like that, I am also in a weird situation of knowing about what your kid is doing while you aren’t around. Like do I “report” back? Are you expecting that I would tell you if they did something I thought was weird? Now I am in an awkward position. It’s not a relaxing situation for me.
I end up just feeling used. Your nanny isn’t the one making the playdate with me. Your nanny and I don’t know each other at all. You are using my desire to do something with my kids (and hang out and meet friends) in order to save money and effort. I feel used, I don’t like it, and it definitely does not make me want to hang out with you either… since to me it kind of says something about how you view me, my time, and what I do all day.
And to be honest, I don’t really want to hang out with your kid… It’s not that your kid isn’t lovely, but I don’t really care about my friends’ kids that way. I don’t want to hang out with my friends’ kids when they aren’t around. Would you want to hang out with my kids with a stranger?
So there you have it. I might be the only stay at home mom who feels this way. Maybe I would feel differently on the other side of the equation. I am sure there are lots of stay at home moms who are happy to hang out with their friends’ nannies and kids all day. But I am not one of them. I feel like you are using me for cheap entertainment and if it happens often then feels like an abuse of our friendship.