New Car & NO SYMPTOMS

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We got a new car!  This is not our first minivan, our old car is a 16 year old minivan with 220,000 miles on it.  It’s been having trouble for the last several years, but my parents couldn’t bear to part with it, so they gave it to us for a second chance at life.  After being stranded with the kids two days before Thanksgiving, luckily walking distance from home (and thank GD not too cold!) I was done with the car.  I don’t trust it, I only barely trusted it to begin with, but now I really don’t.

I wanted to test drive the car, and my husband didn’t care either way since he barely ever drives.  We couldn’t get a babysitter, so I went to the dealership by myself.  BY MYSELF.  I haggled with the guy.  I *think* I got a good deal.

It’s the barest bones O.d.yssey LX.  I wanted the LX so I could get the rear camera.  It has no other features.  I was getting blown away by the standard features – Blu.etooth what is this sorcery?!  Four opening windows?!  Car heats up from overnight winter cold in less than five minutes?  HIT THE JACKPOT!

I don’t even care that it’s dark gray.  We’re calling it The Hippo.  Isn’t it beautiful??

In other news, today is 8dpo. I almost tested this morning. I know that is crazy.  The progesterone is making my temperature rise.  But I am literally feeling no symptoms.  I have a sore throat and I feel really tired and blech.  But I am probably getting sick.  Apple’s nose is running and Banana had a small fever Saturday night.  Otherwise, I have nothing noticeable.  Then again, this time around, I am not sitting around trying to feel things, I am much busier.

I gave myself a ta.rot reading about my life and specifically this cycle and it was positive but you know how these things are, you see what you want to see.

No symptoms.  Not even boob growage.  Which I know happened three years ago when I had a failed cycle using the progesterone.  So…whatever.  I’m going to test on Thursday, I have to hold out until 11dpo, because I have to take a crazy long road trip with the kids on Wednesday and I cannot be in a bad mood.  Thursday, they go to school, I just have to get through the morning then I can lie on the couch and cry and mope around for a few hours before I have to pick them up.  So I just have to hold out until Thursday.

Update

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I over-rode the chart and was able to decide when I probably ovulated based on temperatures.  It looks like I ovulated the day after the trigger.  It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense based on 36 hours, but it makes sense compared to my November 2011 chart, when I ovulated the day after the trigger:

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So there you have it, I think I ovulated on Sunday.   I think that makes today 3dpo.  I’m going to start the progesterone tonight.

I have been looking at the old charts a lot but when I look closely I realize I was not very good at taking my temperatures on time every day.  Now I have an alarm so I take my temperature at exactly 7:00am every morning, and I am so tired from life that I am always dead asleep when the alarm goes off, so I am pretty sure this is the most consistent my temping is going to get.

And looking back at the December chart, it actually looks like I ovulated the day after the trigger, and then when I took the progesterone it artificially rose my temperatures some more.

OVER ANALYZING CHARTS. PLUS OVERANALYZING SYMPTOMS. i am an overanalyzing robot. beep boop beep *anxious robot noise*

Anyway.

Time for squishy progesterone woooohoo.

Help with my chart

Oh charting experts, look at my chart:

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First of all, FF is wrong about ovulation, so ignore the dotted lines (can’t seem to make them disappear, I figure they will move later when I have more temps?)

So here’s the thing.  I know I didn’t ovulate before CD15.  That is when I took the trigger shot at 5pm.  My doctor told me to take it at 10am but I waited because I was hoping to get a positive OPK, and I couldn’t test until after 4pm (we were out all day).  The trigger is the “H” on the chart.

So the question is…

Have I ovulated yet?

I feel like my temperature is higher on CD17 and CD18, like maybe I DID ovulate the day after the trigger.  On the other hand, in previous cycles, I got a much higher temperature rise 3-4 days after the trigger, instead of the promised 36-40 hours.

Here is the chart from Dec 2011 with the trigger shot and progesterone (same as what I am planning to do this time, 3 years later)

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My issue is, 3 years ago I took the progesterone two days after I did the trigger, and it seems that I ovulated AFTER I started the progesterone??  And I am worried that that will happen again.

I don’t want to start the progesterone too early, but I also have a SUPER short luteal phase so I don’t want to start it too late.

Basically, I am frustrated, worried the trigger shot failed, worried I grew a cyst, worried I’ll put the progesterone in at the wrong time, and almost absolutely sure I am out of the game already … having paid for my drugs out of pocket to try to make this happen.

And it’s pouring rain and I don’t have a winter coat, I am feeling overwhelmed by little challenges today.

Updating lala feel free to pass this over

I had my ultrasound today, I have a 22mm follicle on the left side an a 10mm on the right.  LOOKING GOOD LADIES!!!

The doctor told me that if I don’t get a positive by Saturday morning then I should take a trigger shot and will hopefully ovulate Sunday evening / Monday morning.

The problem is .. the trigger shot is not covered by insurance.  And I just don’t see myself getting it in time.

Well, the femara wasn’t covered by insurance either.  I paid for it out of pocket because I was desperate to get the cycle started.  Wow it is expensive, but okay.  But the trigger shot is also not covered..???  No way that is going to happen on a Friday afternoon.  Why does it always have to be a Friday afternoon when these things come up?  ARG.

I said to the pharmacist, you know this isn’t really fair, I only get the prescription the day before I need it… but I told him to go ahead and try to get the authorization anyway, in case this cycle fails I may need it again.

To be honest I didn’t want to take it anyway, which is why I didn’t pay out of pocket for it.  I have mixed feelings about the trigger.  I know it will make the egg come out and prevent it from turning into a cyst.  But it also seems to make it hard for me to know when to start the progesterone.  And the cycles when I have taken the shot, I have not gotten pregnant – vs the one cycle when I didn’t take the shot, I DID get pregnant. It could be coincidence.  But my eggs get super big without the trigger.  When I triggered, I was triggering at 20-25mm.  But the cycle I got pregnant, I had two follicles bigger than that, one I think was 26 and one 27mm.  So that’s pretty big!  I am worried that 22mm is half baked!

Anyway, hopefully the pharmacy will call me sometime and I will be able to pick up the prescription before Shabbat.  Or else I will pay out of pocket (I have 2 hours to decide eek!).  Either way, it looks like this weekend is ovulation weekend, woohoo…!

Yesterday’s anniversary, Today’s follies

See what I did there?

I forgot to mention yesterday was our anniversary of TTC #3.  Though it’s not our third time trying to have a baby it is our third baby we are trying for.  I find with starting off with twins it is a little confusing for me to write TTC #3, because we have only been successful one time, but we have two kids.  I am grateful for the jump start.

I have been reading old blog posts and how terrified I was of having twins.  I haven’t read any of the posts after having the babies, though.  Just in the before.  Especially the cycle we got pregnant.  And how I was so scared of having twins!  But now I realize I really got so lucky, and all those people who told me I was lucky were right, even if I wanted to punch them in the face my life was so hard and I did not feel lucky (suffering from postpartum depression plus twins, life does not feel lucky, plus the infertility guilt I-should-love-every-second-of-this-I-worked-so-hard-for-it thrown in).

Yesterday at my HSG I told the nurse we were going for the “bonus round.”  So true.  Here’s hoping for a bonus child (haha!).

Today I went for my first monitoring appointment and there was one 16mm follicle and two 11mm follicles.  On the same day of my cycle when I got pregnant, I had four 16mm follicles.  Three days later I had three 20-27mm follicles.  I believe I ovulated two eggs and got pregnant with both.  So I am hoping this one 16mm follicle turns into one gigantic follicle and hopefully I will ovulate sometime this weekend.

I am keeping this blog pretty detail oriented towards this second round of TTC because I have found it so helpful to go back and read and compare this cycle to previous cycles.  This blog, combined with my charts,  has given me what to obsess over while I wait for the two week wait, when I can start googling like a mad woman.

My husband and I have talked about the possibility of twins again.  This is why we are going for a monitored cycle instead of just going to my OB for a prescription and taking some OPKs.  I am willing to do twins again.  Obviously we don’t have too much choice.  Except that if I see two big follicles, we’ll still go for it, instead of canceling the cycle.  Three follicles, no.  This is why I want to see exactly what’s going on in there, I want the ultrasounds before I ovulate so we can keep the risk minimal.  But I wouldn’t be sad about a second set of twins.  I am not AIMING for it, but I wouldn’t be sad.  I would be TERRIFIED for sure.  But we are in the suburbs now with a big suburban car and a house that can fit a family of six with some squishing (we have 3 bedrooms, who needs to have their own room anyway??  I don’t have my own room!  We are planning to build a guest / play room in the basement, so whatever!)

I keep saying this, but I am on the up swing of the TTC rollercoaster and feeling good and hopeful and excited:

Here we go…!

HSG ROUND 2 COMPLETE!

I finally got to have my HSG today.  I was so nervous I was basically nauseous.  It helped that this morning was beautiful and I was able to take the kids outside to play, which worked better for getting me to the doctor on time anyway.

I didn’t really understand why I was doing it and I am pretty sure the doctor who did the procedure didn’t either, he was like “why are you doing a second one – did they find something on the last one?”  Well, I am resuming treatment again after a c-section, I guess they wanted to check it out?  The results are normal.  I am feeling some mild cramping and a little bit of pain in what I can imagine is my cervix, though I don’t think I have felt cervical pain before so I am assuming that is what it is.

Anyway, it’s over, it’s over.  I have been trying to get this appointment since September and here we are, December 1.  Now we have satisfied that curiosity we can move on.

Femara finished, progesterone waiting for ovulation, and I’m going in for monitoring this week.  AHH here we go here we go!

Prescriptions in hand!!!

Okay guys sometimes I guess it is about tone and phrasing.

The last two times I saw my RE I asked if we could do a medicated cycle even without the test results and she said no.  I was like, I don’t know why do I need to do another HSG?  Why can’t we do a timed intercourse cycle while we wait?  My thinking was, if I was just going to my OB she could give me Clomid and would not need an HSG (I do not want to go to my OB because I really want to know how many follicles each time I am about to ovulate to prevent multiples again).

Both times she said no.  I asked and she said no.

This time I went into the office and I said, I want to start a medicated cycle.  And so the receptionist put me down as starting a cycle.  And then when I was getting my ultrasound (which I hadn’t gotten before, but because he put me in as starting a medicated cycle I got an ultrasound) I told the doctor I wanted to start femara while I waited for the results of the HSG, worst case we could cancel the cycle if the results were bad, but best case we could move forward.

She was like, sure that sounds good.  Worst case we can just do timed intercourse instead of IUI.

So here we have obviously come to a misunderstanding because this is not the first time she thinks I want to do IUI.  I have told her many times I want to do timed intercourse before we try IUI, since timed intercourse worked fine last time.  But anyway.  I didn’t argue with her because it didn’t make sense to argue with her, she basically said she would approve of a timed intercourse cycle so I just shut my trap.

She doesn’t know that I have tried for the past three months to schedule this effing HSG and I *FINALLY* got one scheduled for Monday (after having to call around to a bunch of places! I started freaking out that it was going to get pushed back again!).  And she is the one who insists I have the HSG before proceeding, even with a timed intercourse cycle, even though I don’t want to do IUI unless the timed intercourse fails.

WHATEVER.  Whatever.  I went in TELLING her my plan instead of ASKING for permission to do something, and she totally agreed, and although I sat in the waiting room for 2.5 hours, I got my prescriptions for Fem.ara and my progesterone suppositories.  And with a written plan of when to come back for monitoring.

I mean my husband says, let’s keep it in perspective, I went in in September and it’s only November.  The delays could be worse.

Yes, of course they could be worse.  It’s actually not that big of a delay.  But it felt like it was never going to get started.  It felt like I was coming up to roadblocks I wasn’t able to navigate around.  It felt like whenever I crossed one bridge I found another.  And I was starting to feel like I was NEVER going to get to start treatment – it wasn’t about the amount of days I waited, it was about knowing WHEN WE WOULD GET STARTED.

Well.

It’s happening, ladies.  IT’S HAPPENING.  First pills start … TONIGHT!  Bring on the farts!!!

With temps like these…

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This was my chart from my last FIFTY-ONE DAY CYCLE.  I swear I took my temperature every day at exactly 7:00am (I set an alarm!) but doesn’t it look ridiculous???  It was so ridiculous that FF was telling me I should call the doctor (it was like – “temperature fluctuating from day to day could either be from taking your temperature at different times or could indicate fertility issues and may be a reason to call your doctor”)

And it only FINALLY ended because I am taking pr.overa and just got my period.

At least my period didn’t start too early that I wouldn’t be able to get my HSG because of Thanksgiving.  At least that.  I am going to call tomorrow and schedule it for next week.

Also I want to go to my RE for my CD2 bloods (which really will be CD3 or 4) and tell them I want to do a fem.ara + progesterone and monitored cycle during the same cycle as the HSG.  I don’t get why they won’t let me do this.  Worst case, I do the femara, and they don’t like the results of the HSG and we cancel the cycle.  If they won’t let me do this then I am ordering some cream off the internet and hoping for the best.

I’m so frustrated, guys!

I took a pregnancy test on CD30 and was all ready to go get my pr.overa prescription but the freaking office was closed!  So I had to wait a week.  And then the medication took a whole week to work before my period started.  And that is why, even though I was not pregnant at CD30 and obviously not going to ovulate, I still had a FIFTY-ONE DAY CYCLE.

So if they don’t let me do a monitiored cycled this coming cycle then we are looking at a January start date if we are lucky.  After going in for the appointment at the beginning of September.  It just feels like it is getting pushed off and pushed off, and I am afraid I’m going to lose my nerve!

The “it” mom

I go to a baby gym class with the kids one day a week.  It is expensive but there’s a trampoline, two slides, several climbing structures, two swings, and they set up activities and obstacle courses throughout the class.  Plus, usually they end with a bubble and balloon party (the best).  We do this in the winter to have a day when they get to run around, even though it’s cold out.

So now that the kids are older, the climate has changed in the class.  When they were younger, everyone had to hold the kids to help them do these things.  But now there is a lot less parental involvement.  So this means the moms socialize (it’s mostly moms).

I’m not the “it” mom.  Let’s call her A.  We were in class with her last spring, and both quit for the summer.  I got her email address to stay in touch but never did.  Bumped into her in the store a week or two before classes started and she told me she had signed up again, and so did I, and we were in the same class.  Great!

Here’s the funny thing.  So in this class it turns out I know a lot of the moms from either last year at this baby gym or last year in our music class.  And I have had friendly conversation with all the moms in there at one point.  But I really thought A would be my go-to mom, the one in the room I could count on for conversation.  I need a go-to person or else I am totally lost, socially.  I have a hard time striking up conversation, and when I do it is always the same banal questions.  We need to move beyond “how are you doing” because, when you only have 30 seconds for interaction, fuck how are you doing!  Who cares!  Let’s try to talk about something!!!

Anyway, it seems that A is the “it” mom in the room.  Everyone wants to be her friend.  I was talking to my husband about it and it’s not that she’s the “hot” mom.  She is good looking, but there are definitely at least one if not two other moms who are more fashionable and more “hot”, I guess.  She is the girl next door, very approachable, and not intimidating.  She remembers your name, she remembers something about you.  She makes you feel like you are the one she wants to be friends with.

But I have noticed she is working the room.  I know she is genuine, at least I hope so, but she isn’t going to be my go-to.  After class this week I heard another mom invite her out to lunch at the restaurant in the same shopping center as the baby gym and I said to myself “ah ha.”

Here is something I have learned through my entire childhood and adulthood of making friends.  I will never be friends with the “it” person.  It’s not because I don’t like that person, but because it just will never happen.  That person has enough people vying for their attention, I can’t compete and I won’t.  As soon as I see someone is the “it” person, I kind of lose interest.  I know they aren’t going to try as hard to be my friend as I will probably have to try to be theirs, so it isn’t worth it to me.

It’s kind of a loss because I don’t know who else in the class could be my go-to.  The class is sold out and very likely everyone is coming back for the next session (starts next week or the week after, I think), so there won’t be any new people.  There are a few moms in the class I could potentially try for but I don’t know.  A lot of people have already paired off, in a sense, and it is hard breaking into it.

I know I will never be the “it” mom because I have a bad memory.  I forget people’s names and it’s embarrassing.  The “it” person, be it when you’re a kid or when you’re an adult, a lot of it comes from remembering things about people so they feel like you care and pay attention.  I mean I do care but I can’t remember things, I have always had a hard time with that and it has only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.  I’m everyone’s go-to if they need something but not for social reasons, I guess, which is something I have come to accept – I am everyone’s mom, not everyone’s friend.

So anyway, now I am back to square one in the class.  I have been floating around but haven’t found another mom to be friends with in there.  I have sort of been trying to look for a replacement so we can leave the class, but I can’t find anything nearly as fun.  So we’ll stay.  And it will be fine.  The kids have a really great time. :)

Hormones

How is my family going to survive me taking hormones?

I’m on pr.overa now and today I am so not a nice person.  And obstacles kept coming up and I could feel myself seeing red.  I had a hard time holding it together.

And last time I got a negative and my period started I was a raging bitchface to everyone in the house and it isn’t fair to them.

How are we going to survive this?  Ahh!