Pee on the floor

Today was a crazy day full of lots of … whatever. Tantrums, music class, attempt at going to the pool, play ground, meals, no more sippy cups, stealing toys, play date.

After bath I took Banana out of the tub, wrapped her in a towel, then took Apple out of the tub. While I was drying him off, I heard water splash, and turned to see Banana next to the toilet with her leg up like a dog peeing on a hydrant! “[Banana] peeing!”

“Oh, did Banana pee?”

Apple: “Lotion!”
me: “Yes, Apple, we’ll do lotion in a minute.”
Apple: “Robot! Lotion! Robot !!!!!” (toy robot is sitting on the toilet during bath)
me: “Apple please stop stepping in the pee. Mommy has to clean up the pee. First mommy is going to put on diapers on you guys and then mommy is going to – stop stepping in the pee, please, Apple. Apple, step back-“
Apple: “Lotion!”
Banana: “Pee!”
me: “Guys just let me put a diaper on-“
Banana: NOO! (runs to the bathroom door, naked tush and all)
me: (puts diaper on Apple, puts diaper on reluctant Banana who is banging on the bathroom door, turns around) “Apple please don’t step in the pee! Mommy needs to clean up the pee!”

I grab the disinfecting wipes and start wiping up the pee, while Apple tries to reach over me to grab the body lotion that is on the back of the toilet, and steps into the pee again. I am wiping the kids legs and feet with toilet paper and putting a huge glob of lotion on their bellies (“Rub in the lotion guys!”) to distract them while I clean up the pee… and suddenly Apple runs out of the bathroom,

Apple: “BOTTLES! BOTTLES!”
me: “yes honey, mommy is just cleaning up the pee, please be patient.”
Banana: “Lotion! More lotion!”
me: “honey what happened to the lotion on your belly, did you rub it in” (not even watching)
Apple: “Bottlesbottlesbottlesbottles!”
me: “mommy needs to wash mommy’s hands. and comb your hair.”
Banana: “Lotion!”
Apple: “Bottles!”

I manage to comb Banana’s hair as they run into their room and I hand out the bottles, put them in their chairs, and rub in the glob of lotion that is still on their bellies. I realize Apple’s hair isn’t combed and comb his hair while he lies in the chair drinking his bottle.

Oh and the whole time I am laughing hysterically.

Yes, I do want more of these.

My Banana

When certain people come to visit, I lose my Banana. And it is so frustrating that it can ruin an entire week for me.

My Banana is strong, adventurous, funny, cute, independent, lively. When we are out and about, people look at the stroller and say, wow! Her eyes are so bright! She is so awake! She is ready to roll! She is so social! Banana smiles and waves at strangers. Banana says come and get me and runs away laughing with her diaper off, then stops and says TUSHY! In music class, Banana jumps and spins and follows the teacher marching around the room.

This is my Banana.

When certain people come over, I see another Banana. This banana is whiny, and needy, and sleepy. Not for me, for the person who is visiting. Suddenly, Banana needs help. Suddenly, she can’t climb on this thing she climbs on every day. She needs a hug right now. She needs this or that, she neeeeds it, and she cries. She needs you to hold her. She needs you to hold her hand when she does steps she does every day by herself. That tiny fall she just took, she needs you to cuddle and snuggle and rock the pain away. If the visitor comes to music class, Banana sits in his/her lap, she rubs her eyes, she might pick up an instrument but she comes right back and she certainly doesn’t jump and spin.

WHO IS THIS BANANA?

Why does my Banana feel the need to be weak and sleepy and needy to get affection from certain people?

For me, I say, “Can I have a hug?” and she giggles and runs away, wanting me to chase her, grab her, tickle tickle tickle and hug. When certain people are around, she is so whiny, she needs to be held constantly or she screams.

I don’t want my girl to grow up thinking she has to be weak to get affection. She has to be needy to be loved.

I had a conversation with my visitor today about it. About how the Banana he/she is seeing is not the Banana I know. The visitor said Banana seemed fine on the visit. I said, that’s because she is fine. But she is better than this. She is sparkly. She is a blaze of light. You keep telling me how tired she looks, but she is not tired. She is acting tired and I don’t know why. She is the embodiment of energy.

Where is my Banana?

I want to accept all parts of her personality but this part I find very hard to accept. The part that acts weak, helpless, needy, tired in order to get love and affection.

My strong girl becomes a damsel in distress. And I can’t take it!! Where did she learn this???

Attack of the MET

That’s right, I am trying met.fo.rmi.n again.

AUGH.

And here I sit, 6 days after starting, with intestinal cramping and periods of nausea and bad visits to the toilet throughout the day.

This time it wasn’t the regular met, it was another kind, it is called Gl.u.met.za and it is supposed to reduce the symptoms that people get with the regular stuff. You take it at dinner and it slow releases in the stomach.

Well, I should have warned my doctors that if there are people who get a side effect then I am likely to be in that category, not in the no-side-effect category. But she said 50% of the people who have side effects to met will NOT have side effects to glumet. But I guess that means 50% of them still will, and I am in that 50%.

So… no, I am not taking the pill tonight or ever again, as I am still having waves of nausea and intestinal cramping and I can’t tell if it’s really time to go to the bathroom or not.

This morning I had to bring the kids upstairs so I could sit on the toilet (we don’t have a bathroom yet on the main floor) because I didn’t know how long it would take. And imagine sitting on the toilet, having a terrible time, stomach feeling awful, while at the same time reading Where the Wild Things Are … because that is what happens when you have toddlers and intestinal distress. I thought I was going to vomit but luckily I didn’t.

This wasn’t a prescription from the RE it was just from my regular endocrinologist, who I visited because I am having intense hunger periodically throughout the day but I am gaining weight and not pregnant and on CD62. I called the RE and am scheduled for Sept 2, though I may push it back further because that may be the first day of preschool.

I feel like I want to spend the summer without having crazy fertility medication side effects and without temping or obsessing. So in any case, I am not taking this big purple pill anymore. I don’t want to be on the beach on Wednesday and suddenly feel like my insides are going to explode.

I do have to admit I am secretly hoping my endocrinologist calls me with the test results from my blood draw last week and goes, well, I don’t understand it, but you are pregnant despite your negative tests. That explains the hunger and weight gain! All problems are hereby solved, oh and also you won a unicorn.

CD55 + Doctors

Well I called the doctor and have an appointment with a new RE for September. I decided to wait until fall so I could go on some rollercoasters this summer. Not even kidding.

I am a rollercoaster fanatic who hasn’t been since summer 2011. That is a LONG time. And I’ll be honest, if I am not going to get pregnant without a doctor, I may as well wait until I can get some time on the rollercoasters in until I am (hopefully) pregnant again.

So.. I did it! I called the doctor. I have an appointment.

Now here is where I hope I get pregnant before then.

ALSO. I have a last minute appointment with the regular endocrinologist for Wednesday because for the last week I have been STARVING. I guess now it has been over a week. But only starving in waves. STARVING. Starving.

Negative pregnancy test last Tuesday morning. I’m going to take another one tomorrow.

At around 11:30 I start getting hungry, and then I am starving by 12:30. No matter what I eat it feels like I am dropping food down a black hole. Nothing makes a dent in this hunger. I have started portioning food out so I don’t overeat because I can eat and eat and eat with no end in sight. I start getting desperate and break my diet, hoping some carbs would fill me up where the healthy food is failing.

Then at 5pm it stops. I eat a normal dinner and feel fine. At around 10pm I start getting hungry again but not like that, but still, feel like I didn’t eat dinner and need something substantial to eat.

Obviously I am gaining weight from all of this eating but I am starving. The sensation is like not having eaten in HOURS. I am so hungry all I can think about is food, my blood sugar drops, and if I don’t eat I get nauseous or shaky or both. Even if I have been careful with my blood sugar all day, it will plummet and I will be so hungry I won’t know what to do with myself… for 5 hours. And then it’s gone. Today I was a little nauseous, too.

Like I said, I had a negative pregnancy test last week and I don’t expect I am pregnant. Today is CD55. Last month I ovulated around CD57 so maybe I am gearing up?

In any case, I am having my thyroid checked out.

So .. anyway .. I called some doctors and am being proactive. After the summer is over and I get my rollercoasters and beach time in.

Summer

I think I am a better person in the summer. I thought this earlier this afternoon when I was thinking about Banana’s tantrum at the beach about wanting sand in her cup (but not wanting to do the shoveling herself), or Apple’s tantrum yesterday about wanting to pour water on my cloth chair (because what else do you do with a cup of water).

I love summer so much. This summer someone told us about a little beach 15min drive from our house. I bought a pass and we have gone 2-3 times a week for the last few weeks. In the morning the kids ask to go to “BEACH! SAND AND WATER!” and search for their bathing suits. They always seem a little baffled once we get there but they want to go there all the same.

Spending more time outside is better for me. Even when I am stressed and frustrated with the fact that our sleep situation is in flux and unpredictable (it’s not really bad for the most part, it’s just unpredictable, which is stressful for me). I am more relaxed, even when I haven’t had enough sleep.

SPF50+ and searching out shade, I am still getting a tan from all our time outside.

I am glad it’s summer and hot. I’m thankful for this little kid-friendly beach (even if at low tide the sand is covered in little snails hiding in their shells, looking like thousands of black pebbles scattered around the shore). I’m thankful for my kids loving to be outside as much as me, loving their summer fruits, being such good kids.

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So THAT’S why.

I took a pregnancy test this morning and realized after all this time of taking pregnancy tests I have been doing it wrong. I had the results screen facing up, and I think it’s supposed to face DOWN.

And – I kid you not – my brain immediately thought … So that’s why I haven’t seen a positive!

No. No, you haven’t seen a positive because you aren’t pregnant. And haven’t gotten pregnant in the 6 months of not preventing, because you aren’t making the effort and calling the doctor. ┬áIt took a year and a half last time, it’s not going to take less time this time…

CD47.

Messing with my head

I had 4 ovulations and periods in a row, then a 57 day cycle where I believe I did ovulate and a period.

It is now day 38 of my next cycle. I feel all kinds of bubbly pops and wiggles going on.

Am I about to ovulate, or am I pregnant, or am I just exceptionally gassy (though it isn’t leading to any apparent gas). This is the big question, isn’t it.

I can’t do temping anymore. Knowing that I was taking my temperature made me wake up way too early, paranoid that I was going to miss my moment to get an accurate reading, then struggling to fall back to sleep, worried that if I only slept an hour after I woke up just now that my basal temperature wouldn’t be right. I was taking my temperature at 4am and then having trouble sleeping. And then being a really not amazing mom.

I stopped temping, but it really seems like my CM is accurate enough.

Why haven’t I just called the doctor? I have a mental block about it. I get a short window to make phone calls during the day, and I can never remember to do it.

I’m on CD38 and last night I told myself I would take a pregnancy test in the morning, for giggles. I forgot. I told myself, okay, maybe I should take an OPK sometime this afternoon. Forgot about that too.

So temping makes me crazy and I have a mental block about calling the doctor and I can’t even remember to pee on something. It makes me wonder if I really want another kid, if I am sabotaging myself so much?

Infertility messes with my head. I want to just GET PREGNANT like everyone else. All my friends on their second or third kid, or with four kids already, or five or six (!). I want to just get pregnant. I know this is unrealistic for me.

I guess I will get to a point when I am really, really ready to start trying, to see a doctor again. We stopped preventing in December, but I guess I have to admit to myself I am not ready to start actively trying. Maybe I will feel differently when the kids are in school in September.

Summer sleep transition

Their sleep changed again, which means… you guessed it… Depressed and Anxious Mommy.

This happens EVERY time there is some kind of shift in their sleeping pattern, no matter what it is. Except for the time they started sleeping through the night. That had me dancing for freaking joy. (And the time they started sleeping through the night for the second time, after we had to sleep train them after a terrible, terrible regression)

Please don’t shoot me. Their daily nap used to be, minimum, 3 hours. Every day I could count on 3 hours to myself in the middle of the day. I KNOW. PLEASE DON’T SHOOT ME.

We are down to 2 hours. Nap starts at 1 and ends at 3. My little Apple has always been ahead of the sleep curve, dropping naps before most kids, shortening naps before most kids. This boy does not need sleep the way his sister does, and sadly, their mother (me) cannot handle one-up-one-down, so that means everyone is a little grouchy (Apple in the crib longer than he likes, Banana awake earlier than she likes, mommy on duty longer than she likes).

I hate sleep transitions!

Yes there are of course many, many positives to this change, especially happening in the summer. They can stay awake all morning from 7:30am until 1pm, which means we have more time to go on outings, we don’t have to race home for their nap. They still go to bed at 7:30 so it’s not such a long afternoon, and I have been using that extra 30 minutes of awake time to make them help me clean up the play room before they go up to bed.

BUT GUYS. That was a WHOLE HOUR I used to have to myself, gone, POOF.

I have gained 4lb in stress eating. (Not exaggerating)

I am on solo duty 11 hours a day, I used to get 3 hours off, so even on a bad day I knew I only had to get through 8 hours. But now it’s 9 hours. It seems like so much more, some days.

Today I was working on learning a new crochet stitch during their nap (broomstick lace) and Apple woke up like his little rooster self, exactly 2 hours after he fell asleep almost to the minute. (He used to take exactly 30 minute naps when he was an infant, almost to the SECOND!) And I was so pissed at having my concentration broken. This is not an easy stitch for me and I am really excited to see some progress on it. And now, WHAT! I have to go get a crying toddler?!!?!

And I admit I was grouchy when I picked him up out of the crib. I said some things I’m not proud of. “Apple, why didn’t you sleep longer? Do you know we depend on you to sleep longer? Banana needs you to sleep longer, mommy needs you to sleep longer. Why don’t you sleep???”

He was clingy, so clingy, until I stopped being pissy. He wanted me to read unending numbers of books, and sit in my lap, and hug hug hug. And once I realized he was clingy because I was irritated, I was sad at myself, and stopped being irritated.

He takes two hour naps. That’s just the reality. And Banana will adjust, like she always does, so will I, like I always do. Let’s not drag this out. This is the last couple of months when they will not be scheduled and programmed (starting preschool in Sept, 2 days a week for 3 hours!), where I will see them every day all day. I’m not going to tell myself to make the most of it, because that is annoying, because I need breaks and it is hard being with them all day by myself. But I want to recognize that this time can be special, so maybe I should try not be too frustrated about losing that extra hour of alone time … maybe.

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All Joy and No Fun

Is anyone else reading All Joy and No Fun?

I’m mostly against parenting books because they make me anxious. The only parenting book I ever liked was The Wonder Weeks, and even that started making me anxious at around 5 months when we started falling way behind the curve. The sleep books and all the other parenting books just make me angry and frustrated and confused, so I don’t read them.

Oh, except Bringing up Bebe, I read that one, and hated most of it (the tone was absolutely obnoxious), but did glean some things from it that fit my style.

Oh, and except for this book, All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior.

I’m not done reading it and I am not 100% sure I will finish it because I was (mostly silently) crying my face off last night when I was trying to go to bed. Because that is when I read, right before bed, and I started to get so sad and anxious.

PARENTING BOOKS!

The thing that was supposed to be different about this book is that it is about the child’s effect on the parents, vs the usual parents’ effect on the child. How parents feel while parenting now, in modern times, with technology and gender stereotypes and whatnot.

I really really resonated with the beginning of this book, which is why I continued on. I thought I would read a few pages and see if I would like it, but not go too far if it was irritating me already. The beginning is about how parents feel so much pressure “to parent” as a verb, as a main occupation. How the shift from “housewife” to “stay at home mom” has affected the way people view parenting.

Then I got to the part about adolescence. And it made me wish I could put my adorable toddlers into some kind of machine that makes them perfect and sweet forever. Because it literally says there is no more life changing a stage in parenting, aside from bringing home that newborn, than adolescence. And suddenly you go from their nurturer to their jailer, and they hate you just for being you. And even the “good” teenagers who don’t get into major trouble still create a chaotic presence in the house, likening it to salt that enhances any flavor, their presence enhances any pre-existing vulnerability or tension. Parents’ sex lives suffer, depression and anxiety goes up (in the parents), possible marital problems, stomach issues tend to arise…

They said the people most at risk for depression and anxiety when their kids become adolescents are stay at home parents who haven’t cultivated any outside interests. Meaning, if your whole focus is your child and nurturing your child, when your child starts to reject you, if you have nothing else to focus on then it becomes a bad bad situation.

Some of the quotes from parents of adolescents were like, nobody told us that when the kid is born the hardest part is way way down the road.

Yikes.

I cried. I kept reading because the worrier in me has to know every possible thing.

I used to work full time with teenagers so I felt like I was kind of familiar with adolescence but reading it makes me realize that being a youth group leader is not the same as being a parent – at all. And some kids do some really stupid dangerous stuff when they’re teenagers. It’s like they’re toddlers, but bigger, you can’t physically remove them from danger, and they are smart enough to talk back (or evade your rules like little lawyers / ninjas).

I want my children to love me always. I don’t want them to resent and hate me. I am fine with them being embarrassed of me when they are in their awkward years but I want to come through it with a good relationship with my kids. I don’t want them to still be chafing under me when they are 30, irritated by my voice, doing things out of obligation to me and not because they want to.

Let’s just keep things the way they are right now, do they make time machines that freeze time??

……

I want to do a thing

If I had a day to myself, all to myself, what would I really do?

I have no idea.

Which really kind of depresses me.

WHAT WOULD I DO?!

Before I had kids, that depressed me, but now that I have kids, that thought makes me desperate. I feel like I’m clawing at something, trying to grab something, some kind of identity outside of being a mother.

If I could do anything, what would I do? If I had unlimited funds and time, what would I do?

I DON’T KNOW.

I want to do a thing.

Here are some things I do outside of being a mom and housework:

- Read. A lot. I still run my book club with my old mommy group and I read those books plus at least one other book per month.
– Think about making art (but often don’t). So there’s that. Even when I have time, I don’t.
– Watch movies / tv.
– Write blog posts. I have thought about writing short stories again, but haven’t. The more books I read, the more I want to write. (Lots of thinking, not much doing.)
– I used to do yoga. Haven’t in a while.
– Read art and design blogs and send interesting ones to friends.

Yesterday I bought a big frame for one of my art pieces because I have been stuck without knowing where it would go, how it would fit together. Now that I have something, I look at what I’ve done and I’m like wow … I need to do more. But I haven’t.

My husband is offering me a day off next weekend, I can either leave the house or he can take the kids and I can have the house to myself. What would I do?

What would you do??