I don’t like my hand-me-downs

I took the kids shopping today. Clothes shopping. And they had a double meltdown in the fitting room. And I probably bought the wrong clothes, or spent too much money (everything was 30% off and I had a code for another 15% off so everything was really 40% off if I did my math right).

The fact is, I don’t like my hand-me-downs.

We have bags and bags and bags of hand me downs. My MIL is happy to bring them in her car across the country when she visits, and then I go through them, and send the bags and bags and bags of the clothes we’ve outgrown back up to her daughter who has a kid a year younger than us.

Each size of clothes seems to have MORE bags. But each size seems to have LESS of what I want.

These clothes have been through at least two kids before mine get to see them. Mostly they are in good shape because most kids outgrow things in a few months and they go back into the bag. I should feel fortunate that my kids are overflowing with clothing. And I only really need 5 days worth of clothes – I do the laundry every 3-4 days and I don’t mind repeating outfits every week. So they need at minimum 5 bottoms and 7 or 8 tops. It’s not a lot of clothes.

But the bags feel more like baggage. Like I have to have the kids wear the clothes. But I don’t like the clothes. They are years old, out of fashion. All the girls pants are wide and loose, when most girls now are wearing leggings. All the boys shirts are enormous and shades of navy blue and gray when boys now are wearing smaller, brightly colored t-shirts.

So I have been buying most of the kids clothes.

I look through every single item from every bag of clothing I get and I pick out the things that we can keep. Mostly, pajamas, a few dresses, and undershirts. The rest go back into bags and into the basement until we outgrow the size, and send the bags back to my sister in law.

I don’t think that the other kids are judging my kids at 2 years old. At this age it isn’t about the other kids, it is still about me. I am still on the playground, even if I am the adult. I don’t want to wear baggy shirts and sweatpants to the playground, so why would I put my kids in that? The playground is where I may meet new friends, and I want to make an accurate first impression of who I feel I am. I am more than my clothes, but I feel like ill-fitting and extremely out-dated clothes would be distracting from who I am, and I feel like that is the same for the kids.

So I went a little crazy and got maybe too much stuff, but shopping with kids in tow makes you spend more money than you want to because you just want to get out of there and your usual self-editing skills are thrown out the window. I may have bought Banana some bright blue sparkly jeggings. WHAT EVER. If I were 2 I would wear those pants!

Anyway, there is my confession. I don’t like my hand-me-downs. I am grateful that I have the option of having the free clothing, but I don’t like it, and I am also grateful that I have the money to spend on a few pairs of pants and a shirt or two. And whatever else.

Two Years Old



They turned two.

AND they went to school.

Today was a big day! Well, it’s only halfway over. But it has been a big morning. Today I was allowed to stay in the classroom, it was “orientation” day so it was only 4 kids total and their parents, but tomorrow is the real first day and I take them to school and leave for 3 hours. Ahh!

The kids really did well today. They didn’t even need me in the classroom, I just sat to the side and watched. They played all over the room and interacted with the other kids and the teachers. I was really impressed. It’s the same room where they go to babysitting every week at synagogue so I was hoping they would immediately feel comfortable there, and they did seem to be comfortable.

I made those little robot crowns for their birthday, but I purposefully made them non-birthday-related so that they can use them until the crowns fall apart. They did wear them a lot of the morning actually! They call them their funny hats or birthday hats or robot hats. Haha.

So there you have it. Two years old.

I can’t even handle it

Next Monday my babies will be two years old.

Next Monday is our preschool orientation day. The day after, I will take them to the classroom and say good-bye and come back 3 hours later.


I am planning this huge birthday party for them. Way too big. Like, 50 people big. How many mini cupcakes should I get for 50 people (I feel like mini cupcakes are better at a party for toddlers, because their parents can more easily portion control. Mini cupcakes, cheese cubes, popcorn, and maybe cut up melon or some other easy fruit, it’s at snack time so I don’t want it to be ALL junk).


I was reading some of my personal journal entries but they only start from when the kids were a few weeks old. I haven’t gone back on this blog yet but I am sure I will be doing some of that nostalgia reading later this week.


I can’t believe that these are two little people and they call me mommy. I can’t believe we have all survived this far. I can’t believe that was me. This is me. I can’t believe it. My two little people, they love each other and care about each other and share and kiss and snuggle and laugh and get into trouble.

My babies babies babies babies babies will be two in just a few more days.




What happened with the paints

Toddlers are teaching me on a daily basis about recognizing what it is I can control and what I can’t, and just being okay with it …

Sunday I got my period (95 day cycle! But it happened!). Today I think was my heavy day, so I wanted to be nice to myself. This meant taking the kids to an indoor play ground even though it’s sunny out, because everything is padded and the kids will run themselves ragged without much intervention from me.

Their nap wasn’t as amazing as I was hoping for, since I needed to nap while they did, so I wanted another … low maintenance activity. Not low maintenance in terms of clean up, I guess, but the less I needed to be actively involved, the better. Read: I want to sit on my ass all day today.

So… finger painting? I thought I’d set it up outside, put some smocks on them, and that would last about 20min and be easy peasy. I mean obviously messy but easy.


All was going well. Then I decided the painting was over and we were going to clean up and play outside. i took off their smocks to wipe their hands, and they ran back to the painting. I said, “no no guys! The painting is over! We’re all done painting!”

But then I realized there was no way I could contain the situation with the paint sitting out there on the table and two toddlers, so I had to take off their clothes. Then I was like, okay, fine …


Then they started playing and sitting in the tub water that had originally been intended for washing hands, and they weren’t wearing swim diapers. So I took off their diapers, too, and they were totally naked and painty.

So that is what they ended up doing for over an hour. Apple periodically laughing and saying “NAKED TUSHY!” and Banana rubbing paint into her belly button.

I got about a million and one photos of their tushies.

And then, to minimize damage, I wiped one child off and put him inside into the high chair with a snack, then the other child and then into the high chair with a snack, then cleaned up all the painty stuff while they were busy.

This ended up being a 1.5 hour activity and most of the time I was sitting down. If I had been smart I would have just made them naked to begin with, maybe even without diapers from the start, they seemed to enjoy it and who cares if they pee on the grass (they’d both already pooped so I wasn’t too worried about that).

So there you have it. You can only control so much. And it is really fine.


Going to the beach

We go to the beach almost every week, sometimes a couple of times a week. In June, I discovered a small beach nearby that has decent sand, no waves, a spray-ground, and bonus it is a very short drive from my house. So I bought a pass and we go all the time.

I just want to describe the routine for going to the beach because I am actually a little proud of it, and also I want to remember later the kinds of shenanigans I go through haha!

Beach day:

Night before – tell husband we are going to the beach, don’t get the kids dressed in the morning. Remember to wash bathing suits before morning of beach day.

Morning – Mr. Brightside wakes up kids, changes diapers, but does not get them dressed. I do not shower, just put on bathing suit.

After breakfast, fill water bottles, wash 2 apples and put in a bag for later, change kids into swim diapers, and it is sunscreen adventure time.


Put on kids bathing suits, go upstairs to pee one more time before leaving. Put on everyone’s shoes. Out to the car. Buckle up with water bottles. Off we go.

Arrive at beach. Park in a spot near the trash can, with the windshield facing the sun. Put sun shade in the window. Take out stroller, blanket, umbrella, beach bag, beach toys. Take ID, beach pass, phone, and car keys out of the car (put them in a plastic bag in my pocket), lock up wallet. Take off the kids’ shoes and leave in the car. Put the kids in the stroller with hats and sunglasses, put water bottle in beach bag. Walk to the beach, park the stroller off the sidewalk and set up the blanket etc at the edge of the sand where it goes from dry sand to perfect sand castle making sand.

Play. For about an hour.


30min before we are due to be on the road…

Rinse toys and put away, roll up blanket. Have kids each choose JUST ONE ROCK that they get to take home today. Put toys, blanket, umbrella, bag, etc back in stroller, pack up kids. Walk to car.

Open trunk. Kids stand in the trunk in the shade. Strip them naked, change them into regular diapers. Put kids in car seats. Wipe their hands with a wipe. Hand them each an apple. Throw their diapers in the nearby trashcan. Put toys, umbrella, stroller, etc in the trunk and close the trunk. Parking with the wind shield facing the sun but with the shade up keeps the car cooler than the other way around, so we aren’t melting in the car before the a/c kicks in.

Go home. Make lunch for naked babies. Pray for a good nap.

When I hear them starting to wake up from their nap, but aren’t totally up, finally jump in the shower.


So that is what a beach day looks like for us. It is a lot of work but it’s so great that we have been able to spend so much time at the beach this summer. I love the beach so much! I feel like I will be pleasantly beached-out by the time the weather is too cool for us to go, something that I can’t remember ever happening?

Pee on the floor

Today was a crazy day full of lots of … whatever. Tantrums, music class, attempt at going to the pool, play ground, meals, no more sippy cups, stealing toys, play date.

After bath I took Banana out of the tub, wrapped her in a towel, then took Apple out of the tub. While I was drying him off, I heard water splash, and turned to see Banana next to the toilet with her leg up like a dog peeing on a hydrant! “[Banana] peeing!”

“Oh, did Banana pee?”

Apple: “Lotion!”
me: “Yes, Apple, we’ll do lotion in a minute.”
Apple: “Robot! Lotion! Robot !!!!!” (toy robot is sitting on the toilet during bath)
me: “Apple please stop stepping in the pee. Mommy has to clean up the pee. First mommy is going to put on diapers on you guys and then mommy is going to – stop stepping in the pee, please, Apple. Apple, step back-“
Apple: “Lotion!”
Banana: “Pee!”
me: “Guys just let me put a diaper on-“
Banana: NOO! (runs to the bathroom door, naked tush and all)
me: (puts diaper on Apple, puts diaper on reluctant Banana who is banging on the bathroom door, turns around) “Apple please don’t step in the pee! Mommy needs to clean up the pee!”

I grab the disinfecting wipes and start wiping up the pee, while Apple tries to reach over me to grab the body lotion that is on the back of the toilet, and steps into the pee again. I am wiping the kids legs and feet with toilet paper and putting a huge glob of lotion on their bellies (“Rub in the lotion guys!”) to distract them while I clean up the pee… and suddenly Apple runs out of the bathroom,

me: “yes honey, mommy is just cleaning up the pee, please be patient.”
Banana: “Lotion! More lotion!”
me: “honey what happened to the lotion on your belly, did you rub it in” (not even watching)
Apple: “Bottlesbottlesbottlesbottles!”
me: “mommy needs to wash mommy’s hands. and comb your hair.”
Banana: “Lotion!”
Apple: “Bottles!”

I manage to comb Banana’s hair as they run into their room and I hand out the bottles, put them in their chairs, and rub in the glob of lotion that is still on their bellies. I realize Apple’s hair isn’t combed and comb his hair while he lies in the chair drinking his bottle.

Oh and the whole time I am laughing hysterically.

Yes, I do want more of these.

My Banana

When certain people come to visit, I lose my Banana. And it is so frustrating that it can ruin an entire week for me.

My Banana is strong, adventurous, funny, cute, independent, lively. When we are out and about, people look at the stroller and say, wow! Her eyes are so bright! She is so awake! She is ready to roll! She is so social! Banana smiles and waves at strangers. Banana says come and get me and runs away laughing with her diaper off, then stops and says TUSHY! In music class, Banana jumps and spins and follows the teacher marching around the room.

This is my Banana.

When certain people come over, I see another Banana. This banana is whiny, and needy, and sleepy. Not for me, for the person who is visiting. Suddenly, Banana needs help. Suddenly, she can’t climb on this thing she climbs on every day. She needs a hug right now. She needs this or that, she neeeeds it, and she cries. She needs you to hold her. She needs you to hold her hand when she does steps she does every day by herself. That tiny fall she just took, she needs you to cuddle and snuggle and rock the pain away. If the visitor comes to music class, Banana sits in his/her lap, she rubs her eyes, she might pick up an instrument but she comes right back and she certainly doesn’t jump and spin.


Why does my Banana feel the need to be weak and sleepy and needy to get affection from certain people?

For me, I say, “Can I have a hug?” and she giggles and runs away, wanting me to chase her, grab her, tickle tickle tickle and hug. When certain people are around, she is so whiny, she needs to be held constantly or she screams.

I don’t want my girl to grow up thinking she has to be weak to get affection. She has to be needy to be loved.

I had a conversation with my visitor today about it. About how the Banana he/she is seeing is not the Banana I know. The visitor said Banana seemed fine on the visit. I said, that’s because she is fine. But she is better than this. She is sparkly. She is a blaze of light. You keep telling me how tired she looks, but she is not tired. She is acting tired and I don’t know why. She is the embodiment of energy.

Where is my Banana?

I want to accept all parts of her personality but this part I find very hard to accept. The part that acts weak, helpless, needy, tired in order to get love and affection.

My strong girl becomes a damsel in distress. And I can’t take it!! Where did she learn this???

Attack of the MET

That’s right, I am trying met.fo.rmi.n again.


And here I sit, 6 days after starting, with intestinal cramping and periods of nausea and bad visits to the toilet throughout the day.

This time it wasn’t the regular met, it was another kind, it is called Gl.u.met.za and it is supposed to reduce the symptoms that people get with the regular stuff. You take it at dinner and it slow releases in the stomach.

Well, I should have warned my doctors that if there are people who get a side effect then I am likely to be in that category, not in the no-side-effect category. But she said 50% of the people who have side effects to met will NOT have side effects to glumet. But I guess that means 50% of them still will, and I am in that 50%.

So… no, I am not taking the pill tonight or ever again, as I am still having waves of nausea and intestinal cramping and I can’t tell if it’s really time to go to the bathroom or not.

This morning I had to bring the kids upstairs so I could sit on the toilet (we don’t have a bathroom yet on the main floor) because I didn’t know how long it would take. And imagine sitting on the toilet, having a terrible time, stomach feeling awful, while at the same time reading Where the Wild Things Are … because that is what happens when you have toddlers and intestinal distress. I thought I was going to vomit but luckily I didn’t.

This wasn’t a prescription from the RE it was just from my regular endocrinologist, who I visited because I am having intense hunger periodically throughout the day but I am gaining weight and not pregnant and on CD62. I called the RE and am scheduled for Sept 2, though I may push it back further because that may be the first day of preschool.

I feel like I want to spend the summer without having crazy fertility medication side effects and without temping or obsessing. So in any case, I am not taking this big purple pill anymore. I don’t want to be on the beach on Wednesday and suddenly feel like my insides are going to explode.

I do have to admit I am secretly hoping my endocrinologist calls me with the test results from my blood draw last week and goes, well, I don’t understand it, but you are pregnant despite your negative tests. That explains the hunger and weight gain! All problems are hereby solved, oh and also you won a unicorn.

CD55 + Doctors

Well I called the doctor and have an appointment with a new RE for September. I decided to wait until fall so I could go on some rollercoasters this summer. Not even kidding.

I am a rollercoaster fanatic who hasn’t been since summer 2011. That is a LONG time. And I’ll be honest, if I am not going to get pregnant without a doctor, I may as well wait until I can get some time on the rollercoasters in until I am (hopefully) pregnant again.

So.. I did it! I called the doctor. I have an appointment.

Now here is where I hope I get pregnant before then.

ALSO. I have a last minute appointment with the regular endocrinologist for Wednesday because for the last week I have been STARVING. I guess now it has been over a week. But only starving in waves. STARVING. Starving.

Negative pregnancy test last Tuesday morning. I’m going to take another one tomorrow.

At around 11:30 I start getting hungry, and then I am starving by 12:30. No matter what I eat it feels like I am dropping food down a black hole. Nothing makes a dent in this hunger. I have started portioning food out so I don’t overeat because I can eat and eat and eat with no end in sight. I start getting desperate and break my diet, hoping some carbs would fill me up where the healthy food is failing.

Then at 5pm it stops. I eat a normal dinner and feel fine. At around 10pm I start getting hungry again but not like that, but still, feel like I didn’t eat dinner and need something substantial to eat.

Obviously I am gaining weight from all of this eating but I am starving. The sensation is like not having eaten in HOURS. I am so hungry all I can think about is food, my blood sugar drops, and if I don’t eat I get nauseous or shaky or both. Even if I have been careful with my blood sugar all day, it will plummet and I will be so hungry I won’t know what to do with myself… for 5 hours. And then it’s gone. Today I was a little nauseous, too.

Like I said, I had a negative pregnancy test last week and I don’t expect I am pregnant. Today is CD55. Last month I ovulated around CD57 so maybe I am gearing up?

In any case, I am having my thyroid checked out.

So .. anyway .. I called some doctors and am being proactive. After the summer is over and I get my rollercoasters and beach time in.


I think I am a better person in the summer. I thought this earlier this afternoon when I was thinking about Banana’s tantrum at the beach about wanting sand in her cup (but not wanting to do the shoveling herself), or Apple’s tantrum yesterday about wanting to pour water on my cloth chair (because what else do you do with a cup of water).

I love summer so much. This summer someone told us about a little beach 15min drive from our house. I bought a pass and we have gone 2-3 times a week for the last few weeks. In the morning the kids ask to go to “BEACH! SAND AND WATER!” and search for their bathing suits. They always seem a little baffled once we get there but they want to go there all the same.

Spending more time outside is better for me. Even when I am stressed and frustrated with the fact that our sleep situation is in flux and unpredictable (it’s not really bad for the most part, it’s just unpredictable, which is stressful for me). I am more relaxed, even when I haven’t had enough sleep.

SPF50+ and searching out shade, I am still getting a tan from all our time outside.

I am glad it’s summer and hot. I’m thankful for this little kid-friendly beach (even if at low tide the sand is covered in little snails hiding in their shells, looking like thousands of black pebbles scattered around the shore). I’m thankful for my kids loving to be outside as much as me, loving their summer fruits, being such good kids.