Hello anyone who hops over here from ICLW!
(this is a sticky post, which means it will be up here for all of ICLW)
First, a disclaimer / warning / intro: This cycle I got my first BFP! I wanted to make sure I said that up front in case that is sensitive to any new readers.
Our first ultrasound is on March 1 where we will see what is going on in there. Until then I am continuing to symptom spot (to make myself feel secure that it’s still real) but trying not to.
So… welcome!!
This is what bears must feel like when they know winter is approaching. There’s this deep need to store food and get ready to sleep. It’s this feeling of curling up, of slowing down, of needing to shut out the world for a little while.
I think that’s part of why I quit my job, maybe I would have stuck it out even with the toxicity if I hadn’t been feeling the call of hibernation.
All I want to do is eat and sleep. OHHHhhhh it sounds blissful! It’s such a cozy feeling, to want to sleep and eat and that’s all! To be wrapped in a warm blanket and rest with something delicious at hand. What else could a hibernating bear want?
This is what I feel like, EXACTLY:
I was tapped to be a co-chair for a major annual retreat that our minyan puts on, that brings in people from all over the area and even from out of town. It’s not a huge surprise to be asked (since my friend is the other co-chair) and it is exciting and extremely tempting. I told her I would tell her before Shabbat or at shul. A big part of me wants to do it but then this other, primal part of me is hunkering down inside and is really not letting me get fully revved up for anything right now.
So… I don’t know what will happen with that!
Cue awkward segue, aaaaand…
Here’s a funny story for you.
Today my nausea was the worst it’s ever been, which made me happy because it means things are still going okay in there. But maybe my cat is a little too empathetic because when we were sitting on the couch next to each other she just VOMITED. TWICE. NEXT TO ME.
So of course I started gagging and I had to run away before I started throwing up, too. But I was home alone and I could not leave cat vomit on the couch. It had to get cleaned up and soon. And every time I thought of cleaning it I would gag (even writing this is making me gag). So I cleaned it, gagging the whole time. Also, the toilet was stopped up and had to deal with that, also gagging the whole time.
I guess I must have felt so dirty after cleaning those messes that I then went and swept, mopped, cleaned the windows, stove, and microwave. I wanted to nap but the couch was wet from the vomit clean-up and looking at it made me gag.
Now the couch is all clean, so tomorrow I may hibernate. Like a big toasty cinnamon bun.
I know reading about other people’s dreams isn’t as exciting as real life things but I will be brief. I’ve had a few vivid dreams the last two nights (I keep waking up to pee, so I remember more of my dreams).
Dream #1
I walk into a house on the same street as my parents’ house. It’s the same model house as my parents so it looks essentially the same inside (my parents live in a planned neighborhood). It’s decorated with hundreds of elephants. I say to the owner, “Oh, my mom collects elephants, too!” (My parents’ house has hundreds of elephants in it, my mom thinks they are the best) The owner says to me, “What do you mean ‘too‘?” I look around again and say, “Well, don’t you collect elephants?” “No,” the owner says, “this is just how I decorated my house.” ???
Dream #2
My mom and I are sitting in my bathroom, which is also the staircase (??) and my mom says to me, “I know I said I told myself I’d never do this, but, I WANT GRANDCHILDREN. NOW!“ Shocked, I said, “Mom, aren’t you the one who tells the story of getting mother’s day cards from grandma for the four years before I was born and how horrified you were?” She said, “yes but I want grandchildren! Now I understand why she sent the cards!”
Dream #3
At my ultrasound / pregnancy scan, the scan picks up what looks like two eyeballs in my uterus. “Oh, congratulations, you’re having twins!” the doctor says. It looks like two googly eyes are swishing around inside of me.
Dreams are weird.
The place was toxic. They had completely unrealistic expectations of what could be done in the time they were paying me to work. Etc. And I am in the fortunate position for our household to run without me bringing in income. It was only 12 hours a week – paid the same hourly rate as what I was making temping – and this crapola little job wasn’t even in my field.
Part of it also was that the job was exhausting, besides the unrealistic expectations and toxic environment. I’ve stuck it out a long time in similarly bad situations. But now I am doubly exhausted, periodically nauseous, and also experiencing shortness of breath, which makes it hard to rush around as much as I needed to do for the job. (I was running up and down up to four flights of stairs multiple times over four hours just to make sure everything I was doing got done in time.) And the stress of being there was actually making me feel all kinds of weird sensations that just can’t be good for my body. So instead of trying to stick it out through the end of the month, I just left. I gave them feedback as I turned in my keys and ID, so hopefully the next person they hire won’t have such a hard time.
So here I am, 100% unemployed again. But not in the same place I was last time I was 100% unemployed!!
Even though I am happy to leave the job I am of course feeling conflicted (if I had a tag called “feeling conflicted” it would pretty much be the number 1 used tag). On one hand I would like to bring in some income, especially since we live in a ridiculously expensive city and our income will be stretched further. On the other hand, would it be disingenuous to look for a job now..?
For today, I am going to relax and eat and not think too much about it because the weekend, while a lot of fun, was beyond exhausting!! I napped pretty much every afternoon and I still was tired. Right now my body wants a schedule like this: wake up, breakfast, snack, lunch, nap, snack, dinner, snack, snack, bed. Except sometimes those snacks are forced down because I know my body needs food, but food is repulsive to me. Like right now! Snack time!
Please send love to Mommy Odyssey, whose water broke at 22 weeks and may be losing her little boy.
Because of PCOS, I don’t get a period without assistance. Which means my default mode is no spotting, no period, no nothing, for weeks and weeks on end.
So right now, if I’m not feeling nauseous, I’m basically not feeling anything. And yeah it’s been a long time since my last period but my cycles are that irregular anyway. Sometimes when I remind myself that the reason I don’t have my period is NOT that my cysty ovaries are doing their stubborn thing and that I am actually pregnant it totally blows my mind. It’s like my short term memory is completely shot so every time I realize I’m pregnant is almost like the first time.
EEE!
According to all the “track your pregnancy” things online, today I am exactly 5 weeks along. When does it sink in? Maybe after our ultrasound on March 1…
I am so happy to be somewhere warm and sunny and full of mice (named Mickey and Minnie). This means posting and commenting will slow (or stop) for a while but I will be back and running at full speed in time for ICLW 
The nausea is starting to settle in on a semi-regular basis. It started with this morning I was extremely hungry, then started feeling nauseous after eating, and that feeling has just lingered. Going to try to keep it quiet though. Also I’m going to have to explain that somehow after talking for months about taking my 6-year-old nephew on Space Mountain we (or at least I) won’t be going on it. Maybe I can blame it on him being too scared. No, that’s mean, that is a mean aunt thing to do!
I am thankful for…
Katie tagged me in a meme and I’ve been putting it off but I thought I should give it a whirl. I’m also going to tag people but you don’t have to participate (and I won’t notify you if you’re tagged so you don’t have to feel guilty if you are prone to feeling guilty about such things).
I think a meme is actually a unit of thought, if thoughts can be measured in units. I think that’s the official definition. Of course I could look it up but I’m not gonna. Ha! But I like how the word “meme” looks like it’s saying “me, me!” like “pay attention to me!” And I think that’s part of why these little chain quizzes became “memes.”
I added my chart to the chart gallery on FF, which I had been avoiding until this last beta had favorable results.
1174!
I am to make my ultrasound / pregnancy scan appointment for the end of February. Oh mah gah.
Also, I happened to mention I needed a refill of my synthroid and they were like, hmm, let’s check your thyroid now that you’re pregnant. (NOW THAT YOU’RE PREGNANT.) So they did, and what do you know, it is elevated. So they doubled my dosage, called in the prescription, and I got my new pills today.
I have written about my thyroid before, a loooong time ago when the only things I had to post about were bad memories from my first RE.
But here’s the quick summary because that is a long post: BASICALLY… because I had hives in Jan 2011, and because my allergist was desperate for answers, he ran some very very detailed thyroid tests and came up with a slightly elevated level. (He said normally when they test thyroid levels they don’t do this specific test he did, which is why in the past nobody has found any issue with my thyroid when I have begged for them to test it.)
My allergist told me personally about it, he said NORMALLY people don’t care about this tiny little elevation but he knew we were trying to get pregnant and it would be good to tell the RE. My (current and wonderful) RE put me on synthroid right away for my thyroid, and I’ve been on it for about 4 months now.
It’s because I was on the synthroid and needed a new prescription that they decided to check my thyroid levels today and discovered the elevation and doubled the dosage. Because of my hives, my thyroid issues were uncovered, and are now being dealt with swiftly and carefully when it is most important.
THANK YOU, HIVES. Even though you were horrendous at the time, I am grateful for you. (And now I also know I am horribly allergic to Dove for Men body wash.)
