Temping dreams

I have such a hard time temping, it is so ridiculous.

I wake up multiple times a night anyway, I almost never have a close-your-eyes-and-open-them-in-the-morning kind of sleep. I often get up to go to the bathroom, or wake up almost all the way just to readjust, or have a nightmare, or something like that. So the last time for this round of ttc that I tried to temp, I was taking my temperature a thousand times a night. And every time I sort of woke up, I was sure that it was morning, enough to check the clock, and then take my temperature at 4am, and then not go back to sleep for an hour…

Last night, I said to myself before bed, “I am NOT taking my temperature UNTIL MY ALARM GOES OFF. No matter if I woke up 20min before my alarm and couldn’t go back to sleep, I am taking my temperature when the buzzer sounds.”

Then I went to sleep.

Then I heard the alarm. And I woke up. And the alarm was in my dream. Ugh. Back to sleep.

Heard the alarm again. STILL A DREAM! ARE YOU SERIOUS???

Back to sleep.

FINALLY the alarm actually rings. Temperature recorded. Back to sleep for snooze until kids wake up.

Now my sleep was disrupted but maybe tomorrow night won’t be as bad, maybe I will be able to trust that the REAL ALARM will wake me up. I don’t know. Why is this so hard this time around???

Not pregnant for a while more

Not only am I not pregnant, but I can’t try again until I think we’re looking at December.

I am so frustrated and sad and because I am detoxing from caffeine for Yom Kippur DURING MY PERIOD I also have a raging headache. (I am being really pleasant to the family and I am so embarrassed but in the moment I can’t seem to stop being so mean ugh).

BECAUSE I decided to try to finish this cycle naturally and not just start a period, I had to wait to schedule my HSG. They won’t let me proceed with treatments until I have another HSG.

BECAUSE my period is at least 8 days long, the radiology department doesn’t want me to come in until at least CD9 or 10.

BECAUSE I am traveling / religiously observant, I can’t get my HSG this month, because CD9 is Sukkot and CD10 is Shabbat.

So that’s it. I’m out for October. November will have to be the month of testing, that is if I get another period. Then we can start treatments in December.

I’m so aggravated. I’m so sad. If we hadn’t waited until September, we could be trying right now.

Instead I am yelling at my kids and my husband and wanting to vomit from this headache. Really looking forward to a Yom Kippur on the heavy flow day, with no painkillers or water, and having to feed the kids while not eating. SOUNDS AMAZING EVERYONE. Sounds amazing.

“Need hug”

The kids started preschool a couple of weeks ago and it has been kind of a tough adjustment. They only go twice a week (Tues / Thurs) for 3 hours, so it is hard to establish a routine with that, plus we missed a day because Apple got a cold bad enough to need a nebulizer, so although (between nebulizing) he seemed fine, we kept them home.

Anyway, it has been a tough transition. They have a hard time going to school and saying good-bye. Banana, my brave little girl, was totally fine the first 3 times they went to school, but today she cried when I left. Apple, the second day of school, had an iron grip around my neck – now, he will let go of my hand and allow himself to be led by the teachers, but he cries and cries. I stick around outside the door so I know he stops crying soon after I leave.

But the adjustment isn’t just the dropping off. It’s the other times, too. They are feeling insecure because I have left them at school, so they act out in other ways. Mostly with a lot of crying and tantruming and irrational requests.

Friday morning was hard. I had to make challah and some extra dough for Sunday’s baking for Rosh HaShana. I needed the kids to be patient and independent – something I often need them to do on Friday mornings, and I get it more than half the time. But this week they weren’t. Apple cried the whole time I was making the second dough (start to finish is about 15 minutes, it’s not so bad). Then I spent an hour hugging him. Friday morning he learned to say “need hug.”

“Need hug.” This is very smart.

It feels manipulative sometimes but only when I am trying to get out of paying attention to him because I “need” to do something else. But he is clearly saying he needs a hug. So Friday I gave him a lot of hugs.

The thing is, I am pretty sure Banana needs hugs too. She acts fine for me when Apple is an emotional disaster, but then as soon as my husband comes home she falls to pieces. I feel like this is because she can’t get her emotional needs met when Apple is around and there is only one adult (me).

Today I tried to get her to ask for a hug – and, more importantly, to ACCEPT a hug when Apple is around. She will ALWAYS allow Apple to get a hug, even if that means letting go of her own hug. I also taught Apple that we can take turns hugging, that Banana can have a good long big hug before it is Apple’s turn. And I emphasized to Banana that she deserves a big long hug and Apple can wait.

Later, she came up to me out of the blue and asked for a hug and I gave her a nice big hug, and then she walked away and did something else.

It is hard having twins, I feel like singleton firstborns don’t have to deal with this kind of sharing mommy thing. On the other hand, any siblings do eventually have to go through this, whether they were born at the same time or not. My challenge, I think, is to recognize when Banana needs something (emotionally) from me, even when she is trying to hide it, because she is very good at being independent.

I really hope they settle in at school. They seem to be having a good time while they’re at school (at least from the pictures). They know about dipping apples in honey, and about shofar, and raisins in challah. And today they spontaneously burst into song, a song that is usually sung at shul, I couldn’t believe it. So I love that they are learning and spending some time away from home. Hopefully soon things will settle down and I won’t spend significant portions of my day hugging crying children (although honestly there are worse ways to spend a morning).


I got a positive OPK on Thursday, two days after going to the RE. AMAZING. If I hadn’t gone to the RE, I wouldn’t have known I was about to ovulate, I wouldn’t have taken the test, and I would have missed it. Ovulated on CD34 (Friday) according to FF, although I don’t do temping now. I guess they assume you ovulate the day after the positive OPK.

That makes today around 2dpo. Which makes testing day erev Yom Kippur.

Except I will probably know before then because my luteal phase is usually short. HOPEFULLY it will be long enough. I dedicate every morning’s yoga now to progesterone and lengthening my luteal phase (once I discovered the follicle I dedicated my yoga to ovulation). It’s just a mental thing, the dedication. That and a lot of hip and pelvic related posing (lots of lying in goddess pose, and stretching my hips) to get the blood flowing over there.

Last night I got horrendously nauseous and I am nauseous all day today. I really don’t understand why. I had a migraine last night and this morning. I took the migraine pill but the nausea remains. I know this is not a pregnancy symptom, but maybe it is a hormone related symptom, and I hope it is progesterone! Like, just the right amount of progesterone! Whatever amount that is!!!

Let’s go, body! You and me, in this together! (Random thought – isn’t it weird how our bodies are referred to as objects outside of ourselves “my body” like you have this thing called a body, but where are “you” ?)

RE visit, TTC#3 visit #1

I went to my new RE yesterday for the first time. I was so nervous and excited I was chatting everybody up, probably to their annoyance. The funny thing is that the office is in the same building, on the same hallway, in fact DIRECTLY NEXT DOOR to my kids’ pediatrician.

It’s so different this time around.

My husband was going to come to the appointment with me, he made sure to work from home so he could take an hour off and come with me while the kids were in school. But the kids got a cold, and Apple needed his nebulizer, so we felt like we shouldn’t send them to class… so I was alone because my husband was home with our sick kids.

And I feel lucky to have twins going into this process because I don’t feel pressure to have a sibling for them. I want another kid, I want a big family, but I don’t feel like they will be alone if I don’t get pregnant and have another baby.

So anyway, I went to the RE. I am going to have to repeat the HSG and blood tests and my husband will have to repeat some tests. She says she just wants to make sure everything is in good working order. When she said it I got a little sad, all those tests, won’t they take time? But once I get my period, all the tests can be done in a matter of days, really. So we could get started next cycle. Okay.

I asked for an ultrasound. Well, I didn’t ASK, but I was like … are we going to do an ultrasound today? And she was like, hmmm sure! Let’s do it.

Guess what we found!

Not a pregnancy, that would be sweet.

No, but we found a 17mm egg and 11mm lining! Jan 2012 I had three 16mm eggs and 9mm lining on a Tuesday, ovulated on the Friday, and got pregnant with my babies!

I am pretty excited. I bought some OPKs on my way home.

The thing is I am not taking any progesterone this time because this is me trying to ovulate on my own. My luteal phase is really short (10 days or less) so the egg would need to implant right away in order for me to get pregnant, at least that’s what I think with my extremely rudimentary knowledge of such things. So all the stars would have to align and my progesterone would have to cooperate in order for me to get and stay pregnant (at least I am already on full hormone replacement for my thyroid!).

I credit ovulation to all the yoga I have been doing. I started doing yoga on August 1, and have done 10-20 minutes of yoga every single morning. Two weeks after I started doing the yoga, I got my period for the first time since May (90+ day cycle). Now I am growing an egg, on CD32, and if it’s like last time then I would ovulate on / around CD36. I don’t know if it’s yoga specifically or just the physical exercise, but I think there is a change.

So all of this means I am now on the upward march of the Hope Rollercoaster, hoping the ride is a good one (and also kind of hoping I don’t have to go back and repeat my HSG uggghh).

I don’t like my hand-me-downs

I took the kids shopping today. Clothes shopping. And they had a double meltdown in the fitting room. And I probably bought the wrong clothes, or spent too much money (everything was 30% off and I had a code for another 15% off so everything was really 40% off if I did my math right).

The fact is, I don’t like my hand-me-downs.

We have bags and bags and bags of hand me downs. My MIL is happy to bring them in her car across the country when she visits, and then I go through them, and send the bags and bags and bags of the clothes we’ve outgrown back up to her daughter who has a kid a year younger than us.

Each size of clothes seems to have MORE bags. But each size seems to have LESS of what I want.

These clothes have been through at least two kids before mine get to see them. Mostly they are in good shape because most kids outgrow things in a few months and they go back into the bag. I should feel fortunate that my kids are overflowing with clothing. And I only really need 5 days worth of clothes – I do the laundry every 3-4 days and I don’t mind repeating outfits every week. So they need at minimum 5 bottoms and 7 or 8 tops. It’s not a lot of clothes.

But the bags feel more like baggage. Like I have to have the kids wear the clothes. But I don’t like the clothes. They are years old, out of fashion. All the girls pants are wide and loose, when most girls now are wearing leggings. All the boys shirts are enormous and shades of navy blue and gray when boys now are wearing smaller, brightly colored t-shirts.

So I have been buying most of the kids clothes.

I look through every single item from every bag of clothing I get and I pick out the things that we can keep. Mostly, pajamas, a few dresses, and undershirts. The rest go back into bags and into the basement until we outgrow the size, and send the bags back to my sister in law.

I don’t think that the other kids are judging my kids at 2 years old. At this age it isn’t about the other kids, it is still about me. I am still on the playground, even if I am the adult. I don’t want to wear baggy shirts and sweatpants to the playground, so why would I put my kids in that? The playground is where I may meet new friends, and I want to make an accurate first impression of who I feel I am. I am more than my clothes, but I feel like ill-fitting and extremely out-dated clothes would be distracting from who I am, and I feel like that is the same for the kids.

So I went a little crazy and got maybe too much stuff, but shopping with kids in tow makes you spend more money than you want to because you just want to get out of there and your usual self-editing skills are thrown out the window. I may have bought Banana some bright blue sparkly jeggings. WHAT EVER. If I were 2 I would wear those pants!

Anyway, there is my confession. I don’t like my hand-me-downs. I am grateful that I have the option of having the free clothing, but I don’t like it, and I am also grateful that I have the money to spend on a few pairs of pants and a shirt or two. And whatever else.

Two Years Old



They turned two.

AND they went to school.

Today was a big day! Well, it’s only halfway over. But it has been a big morning. Today I was allowed to stay in the classroom, it was “orientation” day so it was only 4 kids total and their parents, but tomorrow is the real first day and I take them to school and leave for 3 hours. Ahh!

The kids really did well today. They didn’t even need me in the classroom, I just sat to the side and watched. They played all over the room and interacted with the other kids and the teachers. I was really impressed. It’s the same room where they go to babysitting every week at synagogue so I was hoping they would immediately feel comfortable there, and they did seem to be comfortable.

I made those little robot crowns for their birthday, but I purposefully made them non-birthday-related so that they can use them until the crowns fall apart. They did wear them a lot of the morning actually! They call them their funny hats or birthday hats or robot hats. Haha.

So there you have it. Two years old.

I can’t even handle it

Next Monday my babies will be two years old.

Next Monday is our preschool orientation day. The day after, I will take them to the classroom and say good-bye and come back 3 hours later.


I am planning this huge birthday party for them. Way too big. Like, 50 people big. How many mini cupcakes should I get for 50 people (I feel like mini cupcakes are better at a party for toddlers, because their parents can more easily portion control. Mini cupcakes, cheese cubes, popcorn, and maybe cut up melon or some other easy fruit, it’s at snack time so I don’t want it to be ALL junk).


I was reading some of my personal journal entries but they only start from when the kids were a few weeks old. I haven’t gone back on this blog yet but I am sure I will be doing some of that nostalgia reading later this week.


I can’t believe that these are two little people and they call me mommy. I can’t believe we have all survived this far. I can’t believe that was me. This is me. I can’t believe it. My two little people, they love each other and care about each other and share and kiss and snuggle and laugh and get into trouble.

My babies babies babies babies babies will be two in just a few more days.




What happened with the paints

Toddlers are teaching me on a daily basis about recognizing what it is I can control and what I can’t, and just being okay with it …

Sunday I got my period (95 day cycle! But it happened!). Today I think was my heavy day, so I wanted to be nice to myself. This meant taking the kids to an indoor play ground even though it’s sunny out, because everything is padded and the kids will run themselves ragged without much intervention from me.

Their nap wasn’t as amazing as I was hoping for, since I needed to nap while they did, so I wanted another … low maintenance activity. Not low maintenance in terms of clean up, I guess, but the less I needed to be actively involved, the better. Read: I want to sit on my ass all day today.

So… finger painting? I thought I’d set it up outside, put some smocks on them, and that would last about 20min and be easy peasy. I mean obviously messy but easy.


All was going well. Then I decided the painting was over and we were going to clean up and play outside. i took off their smocks to wipe their hands, and they ran back to the painting. I said, “no no guys! The painting is over! We’re all done painting!”

But then I realized there was no way I could contain the situation with the paint sitting out there on the table and two toddlers, so I had to take off their clothes. Then I was like, okay, fine …


Then they started playing and sitting in the tub water that had originally been intended for washing hands, and they weren’t wearing swim diapers. So I took off their diapers, too, and they were totally naked and painty.

So that is what they ended up doing for over an hour. Apple periodically laughing and saying “NAKED TUSHY!” and Banana rubbing paint into her belly button.

I got about a million and one photos of their tushies.

And then, to minimize damage, I wiped one child off and put him inside into the high chair with a snack, then the other child and then into the high chair with a snack, then cleaned up all the painty stuff while they were busy.

This ended up being a 1.5 hour activity and most of the time I was sitting down. If I had been smart I would have just made them naked to begin with, maybe even without diapers from the start, they seemed to enjoy it and who cares if they pee on the grass (they’d both already pooped so I wasn’t too worried about that).

So there you have it. You can only control so much. And it is really fine.