Still no period. I brought tons of supplies with me because we went out of town for Passover and I was sure that my period would come in the airport, since lately it has been so heavy I have had to be by a bathroom every hour on the hour (so of course it would happen while flying with twin toddlers), but no. Not even on the way back.

I’m not 100% sure I ovulated on March 27, and honestly I am not 100% sure I ovulated at all. Testing again in the morning.

Here’s more symptom spotting for you.

The other night I woke up and went to the bathroom, then came back to bed completely out of breath. I lay there and just could not fill my lungs, like I had run a marathon. I had to take some slow deep breaths but even that wasn’t enough, I was so breathless. I had a night like that early on when pregnant with Apple and Banana, and my OB said that it is normal because your heart is pumping a lot of extra blood. It’s part of why people feel so tired when they’re pregnant.

I did still have four (very small) cups of wine at the seders. Still no positive test. I’m not living in What If land when it comes to wine, not until I get that positive, late period or no. With me, who knows when my period will show up. I could have completely miscalculated, and not ovulated, and not be about to ovulate at all anyway.

Testing again in the morning. Fully expecting a negative. Hoping for positive but really, honestly anticipating a negative.

Negative of course!

I had one of those tests where one side needed to be a plus or a minus, the test is so negative the minus sign barely showed up … the control line was strong, so the test worked, but was very, very negative.

I said to myself if it was negative this month I would start temping, but I can’t start temping without a period. So I guess now we wait. Though I don’t really know if I can bear to start temping again, really. Well, we’ll see.

Cluster babies

I didn’t test this morning, waiting on my grocery delivery for my FRERs (yes it is pretty great I can have them sent to my door! along with my wine delivery that came earlier today).

That being said, I still think I am pregnant, and part of me wonders why I am trying to cluster my babies. CLUSTER BABIES. Like those cluster feedings we used to have, 5-10pm every night, we affectionately called it ScreamFest because two babies feeding every 20min for 5 hours was just incredible. We watched a lot of TV while we spent those 5 hours on the couch opening bottle after bottle of pre-mix formula because my boobs just weren’t keeping up and the screaming, the screaming.

Ah nostalgia. ….

I don’t really know why I want to have my kids close together.

Part of me thinks it’s because I am 4 years older than my brother and feel very disconnected from him because of it. I was in high school and he was still in elementary school. Somehow I think it would have been easier if I had an older brother, because maturity-wise it might have been closer, but that could be a gross generalization. I want to have my kids close together because I want them to be friends.

Another part of me also wants them close together because I want to get the baby phase out of the way as soon as possible. I did not like having newborns so much. I guess I did have two and it was really hard because I only have two arms, but still, not a fan of newborns and never really have been.

I’m not really pining for a newborn. I love my toddlers and they get more and more fun every day. I kind of feel like if I wait too long to try to have another, I’ll keep on catastrophizing the effect of a newborn on our family to the point where I’ll decide I really don’t want another kid. But I *do* want another kid. I love kids, I want a big family, and I feel extremely, extremely fortunate to be already on our way.

Also, the sooner all the kids are in school the sooner I can realistically start working on my career again. I do think I want to be home with my kids as long as possible, if we have another kid in the next year then I could be home another 3 years and then could start looking for work. I want to have a large family but I also want to do what I am trained to do, I want to get back to work, but I don’t see myself doing that until all of my kids are in school.

And also, I have no idea how long it will take me to have more kids. So we started trying at our minimal age gap date. It’s been 4 months. I *believe* this is the closest I’ve been to getting pregnant. I have no idea. I will find out in the morning I guess.

I do see the benefits of spacing kids out if you are able to plan. My not being able to plan how much to space out the kids is possibly affecting my opinion – like if I could get pregnant easily I might not be so ready and eager to get back into it.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I do hope I am pregnant. We’ll see. If I’m not, there is much wine to be drunk at the seders next week and much chocolate to be had tonight (hello box of thin mints in the freezer).

Testing tomorrow or Wednesday

I took a test on Saturday which was negative with a stark white space where the line should be. I was kind of bummed but also not really, because I really think I’m pregnant this time. LIKE EVERY TIME. Bleh.

I have no idea when I ovulated. I think it was Wednesday March 26. Which would have made Saturday 10dpo, and today would be 12dpo. I used my only test for Saturday, you might say squandered, so now I am waiting for more. Either Mr. Brightside will pick one up for me on the way home from work or I will get some in our grocery delivery on Tuesday. Either way, I am testing again soon if I don’t get my period.

It feels crazy to be this hopeful again but I am very hopeful. It also feels crazy to be this hopeful, calculating a due date, imagining life with a newborn… again … but in the context of my current life. What would it be like to have a newborn and 2+ year old twins? Because if everything goes well and if I am pregnant and if everything goes well and ptu ptu ptu, our due date would be in December/January, and the kids would be 27-28 months old (2 years and 3-4 months).

It makes me think like, do you think it would be possible to potty train early, or better to potty train later, considering the chaos. Or, would it really be that chaotic, because a lot of people with twins have said their next kid was much easier to manage (considering the previous experience is with newborn/preemie twins). Would I sleep in the nursery, or in my and my husband’s room, because our room shares a wall with the kids’ bedroom and they can hear loud noises. Or would they sleep through it, learn to sleep through it, like they’ve basically learned to sleep through my neighbor’s dogs and construction sounds…

Of course, the likelihood of me actually having a positive test, not knowing when I ovulated, not knowing IF I ovulated, is slim. Not to mention I haven’t been on the progesterone, which I did last time, though wasn’t sure it was totally necessary. Though I am on full thyroid replacement, so that is probably on my side.

Here are my current signs:

- Exhaustion. Caffeine is not touching this level of exhaustion.
- Saw a spot or two last week sometime, thought my period was coming, then nothing.
- Knuckles and joints popping like crazy. Which apparently is a sign. And not only a sign, but a sign Mr. Brightside remembers us looking up last time. I mean I can barely straighten my arm without my elbow popping, or stand up without my knees popping. I feel old.
- Memory/confusion issues. Walk into a room and forget why. Forget where something is, turns out I’m wearing/holding/it’s in my pocket. Shampoo my hair multiple times. Etc. I feel old.
- Various feelings in the uterus area.
- Peeing a lot, although I’m not sure if this started recently or if I don’t accurately remember how frequently I go to the bathroom and am confusing this for a sign.
- Wild hormone fluctuations and intense, general un-specified anxiety. Mostly manifesting in comfort eating.

I tested on Saturday because last time I got my positive on 10dpo, but then again last time I was pregnant with twins and my HcG was nuts. So I know to wait and see. And even if I get my period it is another triumph to have potentially ovulated so many times in a row.

And now I’m listening to my kids wake up a full hour earlier than they need to for their nap. Knowing that this evening is going to be rough without that hour of sleep they’re not getting. And thinking, oh, but I am wishing for more chaos on top of this…

Problem with blogger

Hey everyone,

I am reading all of your blogs! Blogger does not like my i.p.ad and eats every single one of my comments. I am very sorry I haven’t commented in a long time on many of your posts. But I am certainly reading. My real computer is no longer able to connect to the internet reliably so I haven’t really used it in months (it is on its way out of this world).

Has anyone else had this problem with blogger and mobile devices? It’s driving me crazy.


Trying for a girl (???)

This past weekend I was talking with a woman whose daughter is about the same age as my kids and they were playing together in a kids’ program. Except her daughter was pretty aggressive and it turns out she has three older brothers.

Another woman standing with us watching the kids play asked if they had been trying for a girl after 3 boys. This woman said that her husband really wanted a daughter after the third son and she said she’d see what she could do. I assumed she was joking, and I also joked, “well, isn’t it up to him really?” Being that the woman always releases an X gene, it is up to the sperm to be X or Y.

And she said, well, actually there is a book that tells you how to try for a specific gender. And she bought the book, tracked her cycle, and they tried for a girl. X sperm move slower but are hardier, whereas Y are fast but die quickly. So you have to try on a night that is before you actually ovulate so the Y sperm will die by the time the egg is in range, leaving it open for the X sperm to make their move.

She said, so basically, mikvah night is the night and then protection the rest of the month.


How freaking amazing is it that this is how some people think about having children.

I mean, this was days ago, and it still blows my mind. I still think about it and it absolutely blows my mind. How easy it is. Not only how easy but how reliable. How they know they will get pregnant the first time or maybe the second. So why not try for a girl this time?

There’s no real way to know that it worked or if they were going to have a girl anyway. Who knows. But here they are with their fourth child, a girl.

Meeting future twin moms


I have been taking the kids to W.hole Fo.ods for lunch on an almost weekly basis. They don’t have high chairs so I bring travel boosters. It’s actually really great – I don’t have to prep/clean lunch, I get to eat something besides my usual home stuff, and the kids get more experience eating out (an important thing to me, so I like to give them practice) in a low pressure environment. We’ve already paid, it’s loud so no worry about noise, etc.

Today while eating, a pregnant woman came up and asked about the kids. She said she was expecting twins in mid-May. We chatted for a few seconds then she left.

I wonder what I looked like to her (in a good way I hope).

When I was pregnant I came across a woman with 6 week old twin girls. She was out by herself and was going to get coffee. She said she made it a point to take them out every day by herself and brought a couple of bottles so she could stay in the coffee shop and get some time to feel semi-human again.

This woman was a huge inspiration for me, even though our encounter was very brief. It showed me that it is possible to be out by yourself with your little twins, that you don’t HAVE to be shut-in and un-showered as everyone would have you believe. I thought of that woman a lot in the early days. I KNEW it was possible, and if it’s possible for one person then it is possible for me. I made it happen.

So here I am sitting by myself with my 18 month olds, who were sitting calmly at the table, eating their curry cauliflower and quinoa patties and whatever else with forks and plates, and I am having my soup and tea at a reasonable pace… I hope she sees that it is possible to have a life with your kids, to get out, have brunch dates (haha), and it is so worth the work involved.

Good luck to you, future twin mom! You can do it!

I think I’m on a roll!

I took an OPK because I think I ovulated yesterday. I got a faint line, as opposed to the complete blank when I took it last week, so I think I did ovulate yesterday.

Here are some of my ovulation symptoms that I have noticed the last three months:

Fluttery feeling in uterus (couple of days before)
Uncontrollable rage / irritation / depression / crying (day before)
Large ball / bloaty feeling in uterus (day of)
Sudden weight gain (the day after)

Every time I am ovulating I am pretty sure I’m pregnant but the tests are negative. However, this is my second sorta-positive OPK and these are my new symptoms of ovulation.

Luckily we did get in the optimal window just by chance… If we don’t get pregnant this time then I will start temping.

I’m still pretty new to this Ovulation thing. The fact is that I have just never really ovulated! At least not with this kind of regularity! Assuming I did ovulate, this will be 4 times in a row (Dec, Jan, Feb, March!), which is REALLY unheard of for me, the person who can go over a year without a period.

I’m going to go ahead and count today as 1dpo (and it is CD22). We’ll see. I am really breaking out all the lingo now… Next you know I’ll be firing up fertility friend.

I want an answer

I want to type into google and say “Am I ovulating?” and have it say yes or no, and if no, give me a date.

I don’t want to do any temping or peeing on things, I just want google to tell me somehow.

It’s because of this hope that I am googling every possible thing that I already KNOW is not a sign of ovulation.

I haven’t temped this month so it seems silly to start.  My period came March 5 and today is March 23 which makes it CD18.  I felt a bunch of stuff going on around CD14 but no crazy goo so I have no idea.  Last cycle was a 30 day cycle and I’m pretty sure I ovulated.

I typed “f” into my chrome search bar, meaning to go to fbook, and the first site that showed up was fertility friend.  Seriously!  Fertility friend!  I haven’t been to that site since Jan 2012, and that is the first site that pops up with an “f” in the search bar.  I kind of feel like my browser remembers all the things I’m searching for and somehow connects the dots to previous search histories and then to previous sites I used to frequent around the time I made those searches.  I wouldn’t put it past them to have some kind of algorithm to figure that stuff out.

But really, fancy algorithm or no, I don’t want to do any work I just want google to tell me one way or another.


Different kind of affection

My kids could not be any more different.

Apple is my mama’s boy and I love that.  He comes for hugs.  His tantrums end in a big hug.  He gives me kisses sometimes when I ask (he’s a toddler, it doesn’t always happen).  He brings me things and sits in my lap and touches my arm or back or head or whatever.  Wants constant contact.  Loves to be held around the house.

Apple’s kind of affection is the kind of affection you think of when you think of the word affection.  For me, his affection is easy and boundless.  Our relationship has always been easy in this way, I think.

As many of you know, it has not been the case with Banana.  We have had a rocky relationship.  Breastfeeding was hard and our struggles are more than 50% of the reasons I stopped breastfeeding.  I didn’t see her early in her life as she was whisked to the NICU.  Other issues I won’t get into on my public blog about favoritism in the family…  Etc etc.

Banana doesn’t do hugs or kisses.  I mean, she does.  She kisses her stuffed animals and puppets and books.  She hugs her pink bear so hard.  She loves to snuggle.  Just not with me, or with many people.  Daddy is probably her favorite person in the world and she will not kiss him ever.  If you get a kiss from Banana, you better make a wish, it is that lucky.

But she shows her affections in a different way.  Like sometimes she walks over to me with a huge smile on her face.  She wants me to grab her and hug her seemingly against her will.  Like she won’t come over for a hug, but she wants one.  She wants me to give her a hug but she wants me to know she wants me to give her a hug.  If I don’t give her a hug at that moment but instead hand her a toy, she’ll happily play with the toy, she is not disappointed.  But that is the moment to go in for the hug.

She wants to sit in my lap during a story but she doesn’t want to have to ask for it.  She wants me to say “want to sit in my lap?” because otherwise she will sit next to me and happily listen to the story.  But she wants me to bring her into my lap.

These kinds of things.

She shows affection by accepting affection.  By allowing you to show affection to her.  And sometimes she will come over and actually demonstrate she wants a hug, and sometimes she will sit herself into my lap, and sometimes she will go in for a kiss.  But most of the time, the way she shows her love is by accepting love (but on her terms!!).

I guess it took a while for me to really recognize this because Apple is so easy and free with coming over for hugs and putting himself in my lap and wanting to have physical contact.  But there it is.  Two completely different kids to love.  My heart is bursting sometimes!