Ugh amidst the anxiety and hormones bouncing up and down and trying not to cry, it’s probably really good to do this exercise.

This week I am thankful for…

1. Seeing the ALI community rally behind Mo.
2. The beautiful weather we had yesterday, and my friend inviting me over for a few minutes (which got me out of the house at least!)
3. Going to someone’s house for dinner tonight
4. Quitting my job
5. AND… ALWAYS… Mr. Brightside. <3

To think, my 199th post was about my bad hair.  That was almost my 200th post.  I was going to write something about Rosh Chodesh Adar yesterday which would have made my hair post number 200.  I can’t formulate a good post about Adar so I’m just going to write about something else!

I will say one thing though.  The saying is “When Adar enters, we increase our joy.”  We have to do it, it doesn’t mean this is a good month on its own.  So… positive thinking!

Trying not to freak out is hard.  It seems like what happened to Mo has affected me in a few ways.  Besides being devastated for her, I am also suddenly scared and insecure.  I’m not the only pregnant lady to feel that way, either.  It was such a shock because, though her pregnancy was difficult, all signs pointed to Yes.

I know there’s very little control I have over what’s going on in my body, but I wish there was some way I could hold on tighter.  Some extra security I could add, some other thing that I’m not doing yet that I could do to make sure it would stick around.  I am someone who likes to be in control.  There isn’t even a way for me to know that I’m still pregnant.

So this post turned out to be a pretty non-momentous post.  Maybe I will plan something great for #300.

But now, it’s toasty cinnamon bun time.

But instead I got something like a mix between:

    +     Yep.

I need headbands, STAT.

I AM SO SCARED.

Everything is so scary.  I do NOT want to lose this pregnancy over some stupid mistake like forgetting to put in the freaking progesterone suppository.  I don’t want to mess up my baby because I forgot for a moment when I went to a restaurant last night that I am not supposed to eat runny eggs (it was a fried egg, just the yolk was runny, but had very firm whites).

And then today I WASN’T nauseous, which could be because this morning I had ginger tea first thing because I was thinking ahead since I was so nauseous yesterday but then I was like – WAIT. I WANT THE NAUSEA.

I have managed to stay pretty calm but all day I’ve been about to burst into tears.

Then, I thought I would do something nice for myself and finally get a hair cut.  I’ve been growing out my hair for 5 months so I could get a longer cut this time.  It was really getting nasty, it really needed to be cut.  My usual lady wasn’t in (she’s out for an indeterminate amount of time) so I booked another stylist at her “level” that the receptionist assured me would be fine.  This is positively the WORST haircut I’ve EVER had, and now it’s even shorter than it was when I started 5 months ago.  I almost cried the whole walk home, I was so embarrassed – I was scared of seeing people I knew on the street and having to hold back my tears as they looked at me with pity with my really shitty haircut.

Now I’m home, trying not to freak out about forgetting the suppository last night, poking my boobs to make sure they’re still sore.  Walking quickly to make sure I still get out of breath.  These are the signs that have been around longer than the nausea, and they’re still around thank goodness.

I’m going to make a calendar to put in the medicine cabinet so I can check off every day after I put in the pill.  My husband is going to put a note next to his side of the bed to remind him to remind me every night.  This is probably my most important pill because if progesterone suddenly stops it will signal my body to empty the uterus.  I’m taking such a low dose, though, since my body seems to make almost enough progesterone on its own.

Everything that goes into my body is important, food and pills and whatever.  It’s so much pressure.  I’m so scared of ruining this!!

I hope this goes away once we (hopefully) see the heartbeat on the ultrasound next week.

So here I am, convinced my forgetfulness has ruined my pregnancy, and sporting the worst haircut I’ve ever had.  And all I want is a HUGE bowl of frozen yogurt with lots of crunchy mix-ins (but we had meat for dinner, so I only could have non-dairy ice cream with non-dairy chocolate chips… it was okay, but not the same.)

I think that’s part of why I quit my job, maybe I would have stuck it out even with the toxicity if I hadn’t been feeling the call of hibernation.

All I want to do is eat and sleep.  OHHHhhhh it sounds blissful!  It’s such a cozy feeling, to want to sleep and eat and that’s all!  To be wrapped in a warm blanket and rest with something delicious at hand.  What else could a hibernating bear want?

This is what I feel like, EXACTLY:

I was tapped to be a co-chair for a major annual retreat that our minyan puts on, that brings in people from all over the area and even from out of town.  It’s not a huge surprise to be asked (since my friend is the other co-chair) and it is exciting and extremely tempting.  I told her I would tell her before Shabbat or at shul.  A big part of me wants to do it but then this other, primal part of me is hunkering down inside and is really not letting me get fully revved up for anything right now.

So… I don’t know what will happen with that!

Cue awkward segue, aaaaand…

Here’s a funny story for you.

Today my nausea was the worst it’s ever been, which made me happy because it means things are still going okay in there.  But maybe my cat is a little too empathetic because when we were sitting on the couch next to each other she just VOMITED.  TWICE.  NEXT TO ME.

So of course I started gagging and I had to run away before I started throwing up, too.  But I was home alone and I could not leave cat vomit on the couch.  It had to get cleaned up and soon.  And every time I thought of cleaning it I would gag (even writing this is making me gag).  So I cleaned it, gagging the whole time.  Also, the toilet was stopped up and had to deal with that, also gagging the whole time.

I guess I must have felt so dirty after cleaning those messes that I then went and swept, mopped, cleaned the windows, stove, and microwave.  I wanted to nap but the couch was wet from the vomit clean-up and looking at it made me gag.

Now the couch is all clean, so tomorrow I may hibernate.  Like a big toasty cinnamon bun.

Dream #1

I walk into a house on the same street as my parents’ house.  It’s the same model house as my parents so it looks essentially the same inside (my parents live in a planned neighborhood).  It’s decorated with hundreds of elephants.  I say to the owner, “Oh, my mom collects elephants, too!”  (My parents’ house has hundreds of elephants in it, my mom thinks they are the best)  The owner says to me, “What do you mean ‘too‘?”  I look around again and say, “Well, don’t you collect elephants?”  “No,” the owner says, “this is just how I decorated my house.”    ???

Dream #2

My mom and I are sitting in my bathroom, which is also the staircase (??) and my mom says to me, “I know I said I told myself I’d never do this, but, I WANT GRANDCHILDREN. NOW!“  Shocked, I said, “Mom, aren’t you the one who tells the story of getting mother’s day cards from grandma for the four years before I was born and how horrified you were?”  She said, “yes but I want grandchildren!  Now I understand why she sent the cards!”

Dream #3

At my ultrasound / pregnancy scan, the scan picks up what looks like two eyeballs in my uterus.  “Oh, congratulations, you’re having twins!” the doctor says.  It looks like two googly eyes are swishing around inside of me.

Dreams are weird.

Part of it also was that the job was exhausting, besides the unrealistic expectations and toxic environment.  I’ve stuck it out a long time in similarly bad situations.  But now I am doubly exhausted, periodically nauseous, and also experiencing shortness of breath, which makes it hard to rush around as much as I needed to do for the job.  (I was running up and down up to four flights of stairs multiple times over four hours just to make sure everything I was doing got done in time.)  And the stress of being there was actually making me feel all kinds of weird sensations that just can’t be good for my body.  So instead of trying to stick it out through the end of the month, I just left.  I gave them feedback as I turned in my keys and ID, so hopefully the next person they hire won’t have such a hard time.

So here I am, 100% unemployed again.  But not in the same place I was last time I was 100% unemployed!!

Even though I am happy to leave the job I am of course feeling conflicted (if I had a tag called “feeling conflicted” it would pretty much be the number 1 used tag).  On one hand I would like to bring in some income, especially since we live in a ridiculously expensive city and our income will be stretched further.  On the other hand, would it be disingenuous to look for a job now..?

For today, I am going to relax and eat and not think too much about it because the weekend, while a lot of fun, was beyond exhausting!!  I napped pretty much every afternoon and I still was tired.  Right now my body wants a schedule like this: wake up, breakfast, snack, lunch, nap, snack, dinner, snack, snack, bed.  Except sometimes those snacks are forced down because I know my body needs food, but food is repulsive to me.  Like right now!  Snack time!

(this is a sticky post, which means it will be up here for all of ICLW)

First, a disclaimer / warning / intro: This cycle I got my first BFP!  I wanted to make sure I said that up front in case that is sensitive to any new readers.

Our first ultrasound is on March 1 where we will see what is going on in there.  Until then I am continuing to symptom spot (to make myself feel secure that it’s still real) but trying not to.

So… welcome!!

So right now, if I’m not feeling nauseous, I’m basically not feeling anything.  And yeah it’s been a long time since my last period but my cycles are that irregular anyway.  Sometimes when I remind myself that the reason I don’t have my period is NOT that my cysty ovaries are doing their stubborn thing and that I am actually pregnant it totally blows my mind.  It’s like my short term memory is completely shot so every time I realize I’m pregnant is almost like the first time.

EEE!

According to all the “track your pregnancy” things online, today I am exactly 5 weeks along.  When does it sink in?  Maybe after our ultrasound on March 1…