5mo & Sleep consultant tiiiiime

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I suppose this will be my 5mo update even though I haven’t taken the 5mo pics yet.

Likes:

  • Tummy time, at first, though she can’t seem to stay on her back anyway, if I put her on the floor she immediately rolls (and can’t roll back yet)
  • Jumping in the doorway bouncer
  • Chewing on the So.ph.ie the Gir.affe’s legs
  • Snuggles and hugs and kisses
  • Squishing her own belly when she’s naked
  • Spinning around in place during tummy time to reach toys
  • Her reflection in the mirror or taking selfies on the phone
  • Reading books / trying to grab the pictures
  • Throwing toys off of tables and other stuff
  • Being in the carrier
  • Chatting and singing
  • Lying on the floor of the bathroom during my shower
  • Eating every 2 hours all day
  • Being pulled up into sit or stand
  • Trying to sit by herself
  • Big brother and sister <3 <3 <3
  • Her toes

Dislikes:

  • Tummy time, eventually
  • Loud sudden sounds
  • Random people, not clear who she won’t like and who she will
  • Watching the mobile in her crib by herself while I fill the humidifier
  • Not being fed immediately after waking
  • When I try to put her in the carrier on my back
  • When the giraffe falls or the legs don’t get into her mouth the way she wants them to
  • Napping in the car seat
  • Napping in general
  • Going more than 2 hours without eating during the day

Last month I felt like Smushy has been stingy with her laughs but lately she has started laughing more.  I don’t know why it used to be so hard to get her to laugh but she is laughing now.  Thank goodness!  I need that cute little laugh.  There’s nothing like a baby laugh to put you in a good mood again.

Poor Smush is not sleeping enough and therefore mommy isn’t getting enough of a break and I am starting to reach a breaking point.  First of all, she went from 1 wake-up per night that was getting shorter and shorter (45min – sometimes even less – down from 60) to 2 maybe even 3 wake ups per night that are lasting a full hour again. I know I shouldn’t complain but if I put her to bed at 7:30 and she wakes up at 8:30 and then 1 and then 4 and then 7 for the day, that is annoying, and I am not getting any sleep, remember those wake-ups are starting to take a full hour again.  So I’m sleeping in 2hour (or less) stints throughout the night and I am exhausted.

Plus she isn’t doing so great at the naps.  I can sort of reliably get her down for a nap at around 10 but it’s only an hour to an hour and a half.  And then the rest of the day is a toss up.  That is not enough of a break from baby.  Today I managed to get her down for one nap.  Usually during a baby nap I would do something for myself but because we had to run errands I ended up using the nap time to do necessary online purchases and fill out the form for the sleep consultant, oh yes and use the bathroom finally, and then she woke up.

Ugh.

And I looked at the sleep consultant’s website and it said that babies this age should be getting at least 14 hours of sleep and Smushy has gotten 11 hours out of the last 24.  That’s clearly not enough.  I don’t know what to do.

I was crying last night because I am so stressed I’m starting to break things in anger (broke my favorite spatula when it wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do, I pushed down on the pan too hard in frustration and the thing snapped off, obviously I am THE HULK) and also do some of my other more worrying stress behaviors.

So even though I don’t feel the sleep situation is THAT BAD … Obviously I need help.  Somehow.  At first I thought maybe her sleep disruptions were increasing because of a growth spurt or l.ea.p wee.k but it’s been weeks now.  So maybe if we can get her to sleep again, or only have 1 wake up, my life would be better.

On top of this you know I still have the bigger kids to take care of.  And on top of just general household maintenance we realized the other day that we have been spending most Shabbats alone and that no social meals were getting lined up … and realized we hadn’t hosted in a while, so now we are kind of on a hosting blitz, this Shabbat will be the third in a row for hosting.  Maybe we will start getting invites soon.  Even if we don’t host people, inviting people to come to our house (and being turned down for logistical issues) is basically like signalling everyone we are back on the circuit and would like to make plans again.

AND on top of this my husband was out of town last week and my mom came, which was great, and he goes out of town again in March and my SIL was SUPPOSED to come but she had to cancel and now I have lined up babysitters to help me in the evenings because dinner time is often just a chaotic disaster on a good day.

Breathe breathe breathe.

And like I said, just general maintenance.

Sometimes I have this fantasy of having a whooooole bunch of kids.  And then I think OY … I have 3.  This is enough.  I am up to my eyes in pee and poo and laundry and discarded food and stress.  Even though I love everything that’s happening and I am so happy and so lucky, it is still HARD to run everything smoothly around here!  My cousin has 6 kids!  Do they all bathe every day?!?!  Because my 3 do not!

I have heard the transition from 2 to 3 is the hardest transition because for the first time you are outnumbered.  I have heard from many people who have more than 3 kids that after 3 it’s all like whatever man.

I haven’t lost a pound since delivery, still.  So that’s frustrating.  Here is my 20 week side by side.

20 wkspp - 1

I almost didn’t post it because it looks like I am gaining weight.  I can’t tell.  Certainly not losing it.  I may have gained a pound.  I think the angle on this image is off on that last pic but I don’t know, I’m not redoing it.  I’m keeping it real here, I’m going to keep taking these pictures even if I start gaining.  I think.  Maybe.  Or maybe I’ll keep making these collages but feel embarrassed and hide them.

Otherwise I think I am doing okay despite the exhaustion and starting to break down kind of semi regularly but my husband assures me if I sleep more it will be better.  On a good night I’m getting 5 fractured hours but on a bad night it is 4 or less.  So yeah.  And since Smushy doesn’t take reliable naps I can’t really nap either.  So I have a lot of faith in the sleep consultant.  Please make my life better.  Please fix it.  I know I shouldn’t nurse to sleep but she’s so snuggly and I love that.  But if that’s what’s making her wake up more often then it has to go.

I’ve talked to my OB and my endo about why is it my baby is still nursing every 2 hours like a newborn.  Could it be my supply isn’t great?  They’re both like, look at your chunky baby, she is fine.  And I say yes, because she’s eating every 2 hours.  But if I don’t feed her every 2 hours, would she be fine?  Maybe there’s not much there at each meal?  Maybe there’s no answer to this question, because I do feed her every 2 hours.  It’s okay, thank Gd I like nursing, she is so cute and holds my hand while her eyes roll back and she’s like Yuuuuummmm.

So this is life with a 5mo old and 3.5yr old twins.  I haven’t updated about E&N in a while. Maybe I will do that … but not now … it is time for a short tv show and then BED for however long that lasts.

This isn’t going to be coherent

My husband left Monday morning for a business trip and will be back Thurs evening.

I am so fucking tired.

My mom is here helping and that is amazing.  But she is not a substitute for my husband.  She is helpful, it is great to not be alone with the kids in the evening.  But I still have to do the lion share of the cleaning and putting away and bedtime routine.  But at least I’m not doing ALL of it, at least I don’t have to pop up from the table every time someone has to pee.  But it does mean that to have dinner on the table at 6 I have to start cooking at 3:30 and some things are luke warm / cold by the time we put it in our mouths.

I’ve been meeting my f.itb.it step goals just with regular life stuff.  I set my goal at 8k steps.  Most regular days, if I don’t do anything purposeful like going on a hike, I do around 6k steps.  I have been hitting 8k steps since my husband left.  So I’m not imagining that even with help this is extra work.

Also?

Smushy has decided ALL MOMMY ONLY.  Yes she started this phase this week.  I knew it was coming but of course it’s this week.  So I can’t leave her to play with my mom so I can get things done.  SMUSHY+MOMMY4EVA.  Which you know I love but also trying to get some space babygirl!

I thought with my mom here playing with Smushy I could work on turning our closet into an art room.  We’ve got a lot of junk to go through and then I can organize it and clear off a table and start working again.  I imagined that I would nurse Smush, give her to mom, work work work, put Smush to sleep for nap, work work work, and rinse and repeat … but this is not happening so much.  I am getting some work done but mostly when she is asleep when I could be working anyway.

Not to mention the extra grocery store runs this week.

So. tired.

Decompressing and then hopefully in bed early.  I sent the kids to bed early which is not a good thing.  It’s only good in the immediate present.  There is a good chance Apple will wet the bed when he goes to bed early (Banana wears a pull up to bed).  There is a good chance Smushy will be up for the day early.  BUT OH GD I NEEDED THEM IN BED.  In the morning I will deal with it.  Hopefully not a wet bed but if it is then okay.

Every time my husband goes away I gain new intense respect for single parents.  I bow down to you men and women doing this alone every day.  You deserve some serious respect and a back rub.

Husband is going away another week coming up and I am trying to get my SIL to come for the week.  She might not be able to come for the whole week but for most of it, so I may be totally alone with 3 kids for 24+ hours.  Holy shiz.  At least this experience has taught me some better ways to manage cooking and cleaning without Mr. Brightside around.

Rewarding myself with a little tofu ice cream sandwich and going to bed early.  I can’t wait to kiss my pillow.

4 months (late update)

Well here is Smushy’s 4mo update … SOOO LATE.

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Likes

  • Putting stuff in her mouth
  • Rolling onto her belly ALLTHETIME (and then spitting up and rolling her face in it, gross)
  • Nursing ALLTHETIME
  • Looking in the mirror
  • Trying to sit up
  • Big sister and big brother
  • Having aba dance her up and down, or pretend-hitting him in the face
  • Bouncing in the jo.lly jum.per doorway bouncer thing
  • Pooping and spitting up allllll overrr the place
  • Being in a wrap and snuggling with mommy <3 <3 <3

Dislikes

  • NAPS
  • Loud sudden noises
  • Other crying babies (makes her cry too)
  • Being in the car seat when she’d rather roll around on the floor
  • Not being fed when she wants to bed fed !!!!

It has been a long day but I wanted to write this before it was 5 months in a few weeks haha.  She continues to be adorable and cute and I love her pillowy marshmallow cheekies.  I wish she took naps but we can’t have everything.

Love you, smush face.

Must stop !!

I need to stop nursing Smushy to sleep.  It no longer is working for us for naps.  I will do whatever works until it stops working.  It has stopped working.

At bed time it’s okay.  Sometimes it takes a long time but mostly it’s fine.  Sometimes even if she isn’t all the way asleep at bedtime I can plop her in the crib and she will fuss and fall asleep on her own.  But not for naps.

Lately I have almost 100% failure rate for naps, by the time she’s in the crib she has woken up and will not allow me to leave quietly … and then that’s it.  Awake for at least an hour.  And then she gets progressively crabbier throughout the day.  And she is a very happy baby generally but she gets tired and won’t let me put her down.  She’ll be fine and calm as long as I hold her but won’t be put down, which is okay on one hand because she is at least soothed by being in the carrier, but on the other hand would be nice if she could be alone for a minute in a rocking chair watching me in the kitchen make dinner.

The problem is that most naps are on the go.  I know I need to change this, I need a schedule, I need to allow her to have real naps at predictable times. But I am chafing at the thought of being housebound again.  I remember so many days racing home trying to keep Apple awake so I could get back in time for them to nap.  SO STRICTLY adhering to our HOLY SCHEDULE.

First of all, the kids are in school so we are bound by that schedule.  So I imagine her first nap should be a car seat nap.  But the problem is I nurse her at school and she falls asleep, and then wakes up as I put her in the car seat, and the nap is ruined.  I need her to sleep in the car seat so we can run an errand in the morning.

I feel kind of panicky.  If I have to drop the kids off and then race home for her nap in the crib, then sit at home for her nap, then go pick the kids up from school – WHEN DO I GET TO DO ANYTHING ELSE?

I asked the question to my husband and he said well you don’t really get to do much else, that’s how it was when the big kids were little.

I don’t know if I can live that way though.  Life has to go on.  Errands have to be run.  There are at least 3 different grocery stores I have to go to to get all the things we need plus we have grocery delivery.  That’s just hunting and gathering.  There’s cooking the food, and taking kids to places like dentists and doctors and whatever.  There’s post office runs and whatever else.

Not to mention ME going out DOING THINGS.  Like I have been going on hikes with friends or meeting people for meals sometimes.  How can I do these things and be housebound ???

In the city the options are more available, like, stroller or car seat or wrap/carrier.  But out of the city, she has to sleep in the car seat if we are on the go.  And she hates the car seat.  She might sleep in it but it’s not a guarantee.  So I can’t plan to be out for her nap.

So …

This long rambly post means nothing.  Just, here we are, sleep training.  My life is going to need to be more structured again.  Sigh.  It’s okay, it doesn’t last forever.  And it will change again and again and again.

First I have to figure out how to get her to sleep without nursing ……..

#momlife

Both my phone and my computer are complaining to me that they are full. What is taking up all that space? Why the 10,000+ pictures I have taken in less than a year. But my children! They are so cute! What can I be expected to do but take as many photos as I can??

We bought more storage on the cloud and sent my photos there but I am too scared to delete them from my computer. Wtf is the cloud really. I am going to print some photos. It would make me feel better to have them printed. But obviously not all 10,000 (that’s just since last November so it’s really a lot more than that).

Speaking of pics I have been terrible at documenting Smushy’s first year in monthly shots. Poor child. I was so careful with the first two. But there are plenty of pics of her.

💜💜💜💜💜

  

  

16 weeks pp

 

8 weeks (?), 12 weeks, 16 weeks

Are my boobs getting bigger still??!!!!!  This was even a few minutes after my morning nursing session, they were bigger than that!

But I think, despite my actual weight not having dropped a single pound in 4 weeks, my belly is looking better. I’m not sucking in I promise!  I bet that extra weight is turning into boobs.  I am glad I’m doing these monthly pics because I felt really positive today, after feeling really negative yesterday after my weigh-in at the endo.

So… how am I feeling 16 weeks postpartum.  I feel good most days.  Then I have the crazy anxious days like when I posted the other day about anxiety.  I’m not sure if I have postpartum anxiety or if this is just my baseline.  My baseline is anxious.  I have thought about going back to therapy, I have been in therapy at various points in my life, usually at big transitions.  But I’m not sure where I would fit therapy into my life right now.  I’m not sure I need it, except then I have one of those days where I am afraid to do anything and basically pace around the house, then feel like shit at the end of the day for wasting time. So I don’t know.

My maternity jeggings are falling down now and it is really frustrating.  But maybe it’s because my belly is getting too small for them.  I was able to put on my old pre-pregnancy jeggings from u.ni.qlo, and they fit with only minor muffin top (and I have been wearing flowy shirts anyway), which was super exciting.  I may order some more of those jeggings now that I know I can wear them.  They are a little more substantial than the maternity ones I have been wearing, plus they come in fun colors.

Nursing continues to go well Thank Gd.  Though her not taking bottles sometimes freaks me out.  My husband can go out at night and I can’t and that sucks.  He’s at his holiday party right now (spouses not invited WTF – every year!) and I put all three kids to bed again.  It could never be the other way around until she can somehow go to sleep without nursing.

But honestly this is minor.  We never really go out anyway.  And if we went on a date we would go out after she went to bed because I wouldn’t have a sitter put three kids to bed.  And I love nursing.  I love that it works, that it’s so comforting to her, that it’s so snuggly.  I take pictures of her nursing every few days because I want to remember it forever.  I love it.  I’m so glad I get to do it this time.  Most nights I don’t mind getting up to feed her, though I have to promise myself not to post anything on fb in the middle of the night, I get crazy and ranty when I am half asleep.

I have been going on hikes almost every week and it has been great.  I got a fi.tb.it and mostly it is telling me I am pretty sedentary except on the days when I hike obviously.  And I neeeeeed the socialization.  I can go many days without adult time but I do need some of it, and talking to the person at the register at the grocery store does not count.

Sometimes I look at my big kids and I can’t believe they are my kids.  I spend so much time engulfed in Smushy that I really can’t believe the last 3 years also happened, that I also went through this newborn phase with Apple and Banana.  It makes no sense that these memories I have are real.  How could all of that actually have happened??  Where did these big kids come from??

Also periodically I have freaked out about not making art in so long.  My husband started making the closet into an art studio for me, which is so sweet.  We have moved a table up there and have been moving out boxes.  Now it’s my turn to go through things and organize and set up.  It is overwhelming.  But at the same time I am feeling HUGE pressure to be productive, because I realize I have many more years ahead of me out of the work force, so I need to make things and do things and make a website and portfolio and a thing and a this and a that.

I often have to remind myself I am not even 4 months postpartum yet.  Last night my husband reminded me some women are just getting back to work right now, some women in other countries aren’t even close to getting back to work … I have time to work.

Long rambly post … I don’t have time to edit so here it is.  My rambles at 16 weeks postpartum.  Smushy update to come, I need to take her pics, and maybe she deserves her own post :)

Smushy personality

Baby has personality that is for sure.

In my head I was like, I am going to live it up with one baby.  I am going to the MALL.  I am going to the CITY.  I am going ALL THE PLACES.

No this is not what she wants and therefore.

Sigh.

Smushy has learned to roll over!  Right on time!  She is 3.5mo and she is amazing.  It feels so soon to have a semi-mobile baby but that’s because Apple and Banana were stationary until 10 (or 11?) months.  So now all she wants to do is ROLL.  Of course she gets stuck on her tummy and I have to flip her back so she can do it again, because she wants to ROLL –not be on her tummy!

Well she hates being in the car seat / stroller.  HATES it.  She will not sleep in the car or stroller unless she has screamed herself to sleep, and will only stay asleep if we NEVER STOP MOVING.  So every stop light she wakes up and screams at me.

I went to the mall and she was fine until she got tired and then screeaaaammmmed. I raced around the mall trying to get her to fall asleep, and she eventually did, but then when I was waiting for an elevator I stood still for too long and she woke up very grouchy.

Where does she sleep, you ask?

Her crib.

Thank Gd.

Yes she sleeps in her crib so beautifully.  She takes nice crib naps and sleeps at night in the crib.  Ptu ptu ptu.

She takes naps in a wrap or carrier but even those aren’t so great.  She wants to take two short naps and one long nap per day and if she isn’t at the crib for that long nap then she ends up having 4 short naps, which is fine but it delays bedtime and makes it more likely she will be crabby at bedtime.  But NONE of those naps will reliably happen in the car.  And she might be screaming at me at some point in the day.

She really is a lovely baby.  She almost never cries.  Except when she’s tired and OMG NO BOOB WTF.  And if I do nurse her to sleep and put her in the car seat, that only has a 30% chance of success.  She usually wakes up during the buckling process.

I cannot complain.  She took a nice long crib nap the other day and I wrapped all of the kids’ Hanukkah presents in one shot.  She took a nice long crib nap another day and I reorganized half of the basement.  She took a nice long crib nap another day and I took a nice long nap, myself.  These are all wonderful things.

But oh, I wanted to go to the mall.  And exploring in the city.  And meet friends for lunch every week.

Okay, it’s fine.  It means my baby is extremely routine-ized and that is better for both of us to be perfectly honest.  It means that until her sleep habits change again I can probably count on her napping in her crib, which means I can count on doing some artwork again, right?  I may not really be able to go on all day adventures but I can go out in the morning, head home for lunch and then do some work in the early afternoon…

Right?

It just means being rigid and home-bound again.  With the twins I always was racing home for nap time because it was so crucial.  I really thought I would be flexible with one baby but I am not.

It’s really okay.  I really can’t complain.  She’s so easy and predictable.  I know when she is going to be tired almost to the minute.  She also wakes up hungry but if I’m not around she is totally fine letting someone else get her up from nap and hang out until I come home for the boob (she doesn’t take bottles).  So this week I left while she was asleep and got a haircut and she was smiling with daddy until I got home.  If she’s not hungry or tired she’s usually fine to be left alone wherever, and she smiles for everyone and passes around really easily.  She sucks her knuckles and plays with toys and of course likes to ROLL.  So she is really easy all things considered.  I have a feeling once she’s mobile she is going to be into EVERYTHING.  She’s the kind of baby that makes you want to have a million babies.

But… at home.  Gotta stay home.  Why go anywhere else?

Anxiety

I have been trying to take walks more often because it is good exercise.  But every time I do I am beating back anxiety with every step I take.  I feel vulnerable walking alone, and vulnerable walking with the baby, in a way I never felt in the city.  In the city I was never alone, my walks were always on streets with lots of people.  Here, I was walking yesterday and I saw a man walking aimlessly, and crossed the street to be away from him but I knew that I was hindered by the stroller should he have malicious intent.  He walked for a while, turned down a street, then when I got closer he turned around and started coming back, and I took out my phone and he walked away again.

On Monday I saw a man walking aimlessly in the neighborhood, a different man, and I parked my car in my driveway and was too afraid to get out.  So I pretended to look at my phone and I watched him go up to my neighbor’s house, try the front door, then turn around and leave and kind of slowly walk away but again seemed aimless.

My neighborhood is safe.  There is low crime.  Women jog alone all the time, even wearing headphones.  Nannies push strollers.  But it is empty.  Everyone commutes to the city.  During the day you hardly see anyone on the street and anyone I do see I am afraid of.

I’ve been going on hikes in the woods with friends and the entire time I am out there I am worried someone is tracking us and is going to harm us. I am worried someone knows we are alone in the woods.  I am worried for myself and my baby.  I imagine what my dead body would look like.

Every time I drive over a bridge I have to focus very intently on the road ahead and not look right or left.  I am afraid of falling off a bridge.  I am so afraid of falling off a bridge that sometimes my hands get clammy.  Last time I was in the car and my husband was driving and we were on a bridge I got so anxious I didn’t know what to do.  I told him I couldn’t stop thinking about falling off the bridge and how could I get the kids out of the car.  And oh my Gd who would I try to save first.  It kills me.  I can’t stop thinking about it.

Whenever we are driving somewhere all together as a family I am afraid we are going to get into an accident and we will all die.  Whenever I am driving the kids by myself I am afraid we will be in an accident and we will all die.  I am worried what will happen to the kids if we are in an accident and only I die, who will take care of the kids, how will they find my husband, how will they know who my kids are ???

When someone comes to deliver something to the house – groceries, or whatever – I am pretty sure they are going to push past me into the house and torture and kill me.  I am pretty sure if I am holding the baby they will threaten to harm my baby if I don’t do what they say.  Tonight I am alone because my husband works late and i was expecting grocery delivery and I considered pretending I wasn’t home so they would leave the groceries on the step so I could bring them in instead of answering the door.

I am constantly afraid my children will die in their sleep.  Every night I make sure the last thing I say to them before I close the door is I Love You because I am afraid that if they die in their sleep I will regret not having said that.  I think about how when you see someone for the last time and then if they die before you see them again you think about the last thing you said to them and you’re like fuck I wish I had told them I loved them.  So I do.  I kiss my husband good bye every morning partly because I am scared if I never see him again at least the last thing I did was give him a kiss.  I even make sure to say I love you to the baby and kiss her on the head before I leave, even though I know that she wouldn’t remember it.

I think about how if I were to die today would my kids remember me.  Would I matter to them.  Until recently I was sure they wouldn’t.  Now I think maybe they might remember a little bit because I think I have memories from when I was 3.

I sleep with my phone by my bed because I am afraid someone will need my help in the middle of the night and if my phone is off or out of reach or the battery is dead I won’t be able to help them.  I am afraid that someone will come into our house while I am asleep and if my phone isn’t there I won’t be able to call for help.

Yesterday I told my husband if I am ever lost he can track me by my pedometer bracelet or my phone.  I always make sure someone knows where I am and when to expect me back.  I tell my husband when I leave for a hike and where I am.

Having anxiety is exhausting.  Every day is full of things.  Even if I don’t accomplish anything I spend so much time thinking about horrific things that can happen to me that it takes so much energy.  On good days I only have passing thoughts.  On bad days they are intrusive.  Right now they are intrusive.  I’m not sure how I will sleep.  I’m having a tough night.  This isn’t even relevant to my blog but I’m putting it here.

So. Tired.

I honestly thought that having only one baby would be a breeze.  I mean I knocked on wood and told people “I hope so!” instead of assuming but I am here to tell you taking care of a baby is hard.  Period.

She’s so cute.  And I have had so much time to bond with her, to look at her uninterrupted, so feel so so intensely connected to her in a way I didn’t get to do the first time because I was always taking care of two and someone was always needing something.

So when I am frustrated and I look at her beautiful chubby little face I stop being angry and frustrated.  But it’s still there.  This is hard.

The big kids are in school and I am like yay I have the whole day to myself three times a week (and two times a week I have to pick them up early because five full days is too much for them).  But I don’t have the day to myself.  I have the day with Smushy.  Which means a lot of nursing when she’s crabby.  And a lot of not getting stuff done.  A lot of looking at shit lying around the house and going, ugh.

So. Tired.

She is such a snuggle bug but she’s also quite big.  I put her in a wrap but it is still hard to get things done.

I go on walks and hikes with her and feel guilty because there’s still a household to maintain.  Grocery shopping to do.  Dinner to make.  Parties and trips to plan.  These are all wonderful things that fill up my life and make me feel so lucky.

But it is hard.  It’s still hard.

This morning I flipped out.  I wake up at 6:30 every day regardless of what the night was like.  At 6:35 I’m in the bathroom taking care of biz.  My husband leaves for work around 6:45.  This morning I came out of the bathroom at 6:55 and heard the big kids awake.

Shit.  Did someone have an accident again.  Is someone’s bed wet again.  Our washing machine is broken, how am I going to deal with this today.  No new machine until next week.  Stayed up late researching machines, didn’t go to sleep until midnight, woke up for Smushy, got an early morning “nap” and now … what.

Quickly try to get dressed and decide to wear the same outfit for the 3rd day in a row.  I change my underwear and shirts but I wear the same maternity jeggings and sweater.  Because postpartum belly.  –It is shrinking! but still there.  And postpartum ass.  Not shrinking.  Actually I like it the way it is but my leggings can’t handle it and won’t go up high enough so … too tired to deal with hiking up my leggings all day.  Same outfit all week.  Whatever.

Not feeling amazing about myself I go into the kids room.  I know I am lucky they sleep late.  But 7am is not late enough.  They need more sleep.  Now they are in terrible moods.  Banana is crying at everything.  She lies to me, says aba said she didn’t have to make morning pees anymore.  She’s experimenting in lying, like flat out lying, not like in the past when she would come up with a fantasy and kind of almost believe it’s true.  She’s trying to mislead me.

Brush teeth, go downstairs, spend too much time getting their breakfast ready.  Make my breakfast.  Usually I eat my breakfast alone.  This morning I’m with the kids.  Which means fifty thousand requests prevent me from eating my food.  I get all their requests fulfilled, they are finally eating, I sit down and put a spoon in my own yogurt when I hear Smushy grunting on the monitor. Right on time.

Sigh.

And then Banana requests blueberries for her yogurt.

I’m slamming the cabinet doors.  WHEN AM I GOING TO EAT MY BREAKFAST, I shout to nobody.

Smushy is crying.  I dump blueberries in Banana’s yogurt, mix it quickly, then go upstairs for the baby.  I bring her down without a diaper change and nurse her while eating my breakfast and now the kids are quiet because I am in a bad mood and it’s obvious and I feel stupid for being so grouchy.  Also thanking Gd that nursing works because how easy was it for me to just pluck her up and pop her on my boob and still get to eat my breakfast.

Eat my breakfast.  Chug my tea.  Take some deep breaths.  At least it’s sunny today.  I’ve opened all the windows in the whole house to get more sun for myself and my plants.

Have a moment to myself and I make some plant trimmings to put in water in the sunny window to help them root.  I am trying to fill out one of my plants.  A nice moment this morning.

Then I grow extra arms.  I’m getting kids dressed, brushing hair, changing diapers, making lunches, putting on coats and shoes and buckling baby into carseat and having a quick pee for myself and OKAY LET’S GO GET YOUR BACKPACKS.

“I pooed in my undies.”

… Are you fucking serious.  I didn’t actually say fucking.  I promise.

I tell him he’s going to have to wait until we get to school.  Not my finest parenting moment but I’m running through the list of things I have to do while they’re in school and today is a short day so it’s extra compressed.  I rush them out of the house to the car.  “My poo is going to get smushed on my tushy all the way to school,” he says sadly.

He’s right.  Bad mommy.

Okay, I race him into the house leaving Banana and Smushy in the car.  I ask Banana to keep Smushy smiling for just a minute while I clean Apple’s tush.  It’s a lot of poo.  It smells.  I can’t believe I’m digging poo out of someone’s butt.  AGAIN.

Need new undies or a pull up.  I decide to get some pull ups.  The box is inaccessible n the closet so I knock a bunch of stuff down to get it.  Then I can’t get it open so I rip it like the Hulk.  Then I can’t get the plastic wrapping off to open a new package and just tear into it like a rabid animal WHY WON’T THIS COME OUT!!!  Get a pull up.  Come downstairs.  He refuses the pull up so I have him promise to try to get his poo into the toilet, which he promises, but I know it’s an empty one, because … he’s 3. I pack a pull up anyway.

“Mommy why did you say ‘OUT’?”

Deep breaths.

Race back out to the car, now we are late.  Buckling everyone in at lightening speed.  Running throuhg my list of things to do and starting to eliminate things.

Get the car moving.  Almost at school I realize I left my phone at home.  Now I’m looking at nursing after drop off in a dark classroom by myself without anything to distract me.  I almost start crying in the car.

Smushy cries throughout drop off and falls into an angry sleep.  Teacher tells me the kids have been telling them they are going away for Hanukkah.  My kids are lying to everyone.  It’s not really a lie, that story, they are experimenting with fantasy and don’t know the difference between fantasy and reality.  They tell me stories about the kids biting and hitting them that just aren’t true.  But they believe them.  No, we aren’t going away for Hanukkah, don’t worry about finishing all the art projects tomorrow.

Smushy still angry asleep.  Kisses on the big kids heads.  What do I do with myself.  Drive around for a while and decide to do post office and gas station, forget the challah this week, forget whatever else.  At the post office I am in line and the clerk comes to the table and some lady tries to cut in front.  She got to the office before me but went to the side to address some stuff and then came back thinking she could pop in front.  I said, I just have to give these packages to the lady, they’re already addressed and everything, can I please drop them off.  She takes pity.

Something’s wrong with the label, I just need a return address. Not the address on the lable but my own address.  I almost start crying again.  Five seconds later I’m out the door and in the car and trying to climb out someone almost hits me.  I get back into the car and just have a big ugly cry.

Skip the gas station.  Come home.  Spend the morning nursing basically constantly.  Finally she falls asleep.  Try to call social security about her name being misspelled on her card, the automatic menu hangs up on me after 15 minutes.  Have a little lunch.  Time to pick up the kids.

….

I’m just tired.  And almost late for pick up.  I needed to write this out.

So much poopy clothing and the machine won’t be here until sometime next week.  I’ve already bummed some time at my friend at her house, did laundry there all day yesterday.  I hope we make it until Tuesday.

None of this is a big deal but I am tired and it is feeling like a big deal.  Lots of little deals adding up to a big one.  I want to have some alone time.  I feel rushed all the time.  Always busy always tending to other people and I am just. so. tired.

Oops

151129 3mo - 1151129 family  - 1

We are super cute aren’t we :)  If only I hadn’t already had my holiday cards printed.  Who knew we would get such a cute family photo.

Baby won’t take bottles.

Uh whut.

She took a bottle at 7 weeks and we were like PHEW.  And resolved to give her at least one bottle a week every week.  But the problem is my husband leaves before she wakes up in the morning, and comes home 15min before she goes down for the night.  He’s not going to do the middle of the night meal because he has to get up and go to work, and he can’t do bedtime because she’s like who are you and where is your boob.  He does get some snuggles in before she gets totally crabby but he’s not going to be the one for bedtime.

So the only time he could do a bottle would be weekends.  And we have been forgetting.  And then we go, okay, next time.  And now it’s been over a month.  And we tried bottles two days this weekend (I think 3 or 4 times over 2 days) and she has refused.  At first I thought she was crabby so we tried and earlier meal time, but no.  We tried upon waking and later when it was time for nap.  Nuh uh.

This girl is my little Boob-aloo.

So I got totally anxious when I realized that she won’t take the bottle and snapped at everyone this evening and compulsively cleaned and had to do some heavy lifting in the basement just to feel a little better.  Still snapping at people.  And it took forever to put baby to sleep because she has a cold on top of this, and she is probably going through a leap or a growth spurt, and I’m like OMG.

It is insane pressure to be the only source of food …!!  I mean, this is what I wanted, right?  With the breastfeeding?  To be important to the baby?

She took a bottle and I was like phew.  But we didn’t keep it up.  And now it is too late.  We’ll try again probably but I know it’s a lost cause.

It’s not forever, I know.  In 3 months we will introduce food.  A few months later she can try sippies.  So it’s not crazy.  It’s not like forever.  My kids took bottles until they were 2 but lots of people wean from breastfeeding before then.  My mom says both me and my brother refused bottles and I self-weaned at 14mo and he self-weaned at 16mo, which is totally doable.  Or if things are just fine then why not go on.  We have only gone out at a reasonable time 2 times in the last 3 years.  But on the other hand, because Apple and Banana took bottles, I was able to go away on a few overnight trips while they were babies.  Smushy and I are peas in a pod for a while to go.

I am thrilled and have so many warm fuzzies but I am also in a weird way scared.

I have so many feelings right now but not enough time to write them down.  I love posting these happy pictures even though I have been such a meanie lately I think.  It’s so hard, I am so totally out-numbered.  I’m trying to be kind to my big kids but I am also so so so tired.  So many feels.