11 months WHAT?!

UMMMM.

How are we here?!  At almost a year old?! I can’t take it.  Why is everyone growing up?

Likes

  • Cruising, walking while pushing stuff, walking while holding my hands
  • Being in the carrier still❤
  • Taking stuff off the tables
  • THE POOL
  • Climbing up the stairs over and over
  • Crawling away from me VERY FAST
  • Getting into trouble in the bathroom for some reason, especially around the toilet, ugh!  Caught her flushing the toilet the other day, now the bathroom door has to stay closed!!!
  • Getting into trouble everywhere else, too! Like, EVERYWHERE ELSE.  Anywhere you think “oh that would be bad if a baby went there / did that” she finds that place/thing.
  • Giving me kisses❤❤❤
  • Her big siblings, and wants to do everything they do, and is devastated when they are doing something she can’t, like if they go up for a bubble bath without her …
  • Her new music class just for her!
  • Petting the cats
  • Her few minutes of aba time while I put the big kids to bed and before it’s her turn
  • Patting her belly when you say “WHERE’S YOUR BELLY?” she just loves showing it off!
  • Taking baths with the big kids
  • Eating! So much eating! Tonight for dinner she ate almost 2 whole chicken drumsticks, half a peach, lots of blueberries, half an ear of corn, and some noodles.
  • Reading! Suddenly so excited about books and not just about turning pages.

Dislikes

  • Bedtime
  • Sleeping through the night (UGH!)
  • Going to the doctor, which unfortunately we have been doing a lot of lately
  • Nail clipping
  • Not holding my phone
  • Being in the car seat or stroller
  • Being hot
  • Getting dressed
  • Diaper changes, even standing-up ones!
  • Anyone other than mommy or aba, except maybe one of the babysitters

This month has been busy with camp and doctors and pee samples … Poor baby we still can’t figure out what’s going on.  Last week she had an appointment to have an ultrasound done on her kidneys, next week we see a urologist.  Hopefully we will get good news.  I have spent two days trying to get a urine sample, do you all understand how hard it is to get a urine sample from a baby???

The current schedule is like this:

Wake for the day between 7-7:30
8am breakfast
8:45am in the car to camp
9am drop off
9:15 home to play
10:30 nap for baby
1:00 lunch
1:30 leave to pick up big kids
2:00 pick up
2:15 home again or afternoon activity
4:00 home if we went out / nap for baby
4:30 mommy starts going crazy trying to make dinner and baby wakes up ahhh!!!
5:30 dinner ??!?!
6:15 bath, toothbrush, jammies
7:30 big kids go to bed, baby has last nursing session
8pm baby goes to bed
8:05pm mommy crashes

With this schedule I spend my whole day doing drop off and pick up, or putting baby in crib or taking her out.  It means doing any kind of errands is basically out of the question unless someone is home while baby sleeps so I can go out.  Sometimes, if Smushy woke up late, I can squeeze in a quick errand before her nap.  But it is unreliable.

Life is VERY BUSY.

I am debating whether I want to pick them up at 2 during the school year.  I was planning on it but doing it this summer is making me a little nuts.  On the other hand, when I pick them up at 2, I know they can get a good nut-filled snack at home, plus I know they aren’t exhausted by the end of the week, plus Smushy can have her afternoon nap in the crib if we get home in time.  I DON’T KNOW I CAN’T EVEN THINK ABOUT SEPTEMBER AHH.

Smushy is a joyful baby. I just love her to pieces.  She is a mommy’s girl and I love it.  I won’t even pretend it’s annoying she won’t go to anyone but me.  I LOVE IT.

Still not sleeping through the night.  Though after a particularly bad night this week I decided that I’m not going to nurse before 5am.  If she wakes up after 5 but before 7ish, I’ll nurse and put her back.  If she wakes up before 5 then she’s just getting a pat and a song.  Because I am SO TIRED.  I am sad to night wean(ish) but I can’t keep this up.  And in August the kids will be home full time for FOUR WEEKS.  I will need some beauty sleep.

OK Time to not be thinking about the kids for a few minutes … I like these posts because I want to look back on them but it also gets stressful to write them because this is a few minutes of free time and I’m writing about the kids.  I NEED SOME NON KID TIME. I LOVE MY KIDS SO MUCH BUT I STILL WANT A DAY OFF …. SOME DAY ……!!!

Sleep

She’s 10.5mo and still not sleeping through but I haven’t done anything to make it happen.

Every time she cries in the middle of the night and I go to her, before I get in there I am grumbly and irritated at being disrupted again. When am I going to get a night’s sleep. Why are all the other babies sleeping through except mine (I know it’s not true it’s just what I’m thinking).

Then I get in there and pick up my last baby and snuggle her and she nurses and snuggles and hugs me and I think… My last baby!!!!!! Why wouldn’t I want to spend every moment with her? Why wouldn’t I sacrifice my sleep so I could have these snuggly sleepy moments with her?

But I am sooooo tired.

I said to myself, this has gone far enough. She was waking twice a night and I was going crazy.

Then she learned to crawl on hands and knees, not just army crawl. And pulled to stand. And cruised. And understood words and could sign “more” and “all done.” And she got sick again and again. And then went back to once a night.

But still, once a night! No complete night of sleep. I resolved to start night weaning ASAP. I’m so so tired.

Then tragedy struck a friend and that night she slept through and I was so sad. And I cuddled her so much when she woke up that she fell back to sleep on me. And she slept through two more times after that, and now we are back to once a night. And I’m so tired and now so terrified to miss even a second of her needing me. And maybe she needs me a lot. She’s all alone in the room. Maybe we should move her to the big kids, would I feel less bad about leaving her there at night if I knew she wasn’t alone?

My last baby….!

My husband joked, well then we need to have another baby so you will sleep train this one already! Aaahhhhhh I said well maybe we just need to SAY we are going to have another baby so it’s not every night of MY LAST BABYYYY and maybe I can relax and let /teach her to sleep through …

But probably not. Loves me some sleepy baby snuggles. And I believe she will get there on her own. But still soooooo tired…

So different

Banana has been begging me to let them stay later at camp. She comes home almost in tears because they have to leave at 2pm instead of 4. She doesn’t like missing the last two activities, she doesn’t like saying goodbye and seeing everyone else going on to do more fun things and then coming home to boring mommy and going to the grocery store and watching tv.

Tomorrow can we stay longer please??

But they can only stay longer if both of them stay longer. 

Apple, do you want to stay later at camp?

I do NOT want to stay later at camp.

….

We have been accused of letting Apple rule the roost and I do see that sometimes it is like that. When he was a baby he was fussy and our meal schedules were on his tummy clock. We woke up Banana because it was time to eat because Apple was hungry (the reality is we often made Apple wait, hungry, fussing, so that Banana could get a few more minutes of sleep, but this is not what our critics have seen).

So here we are another decision basically up to Apple.

It’s not true that he rules the roost. Today I asked if they wanted to go to the farmers market or go home and sprinklers and Banana anted to go and Apple wanted to stay home. And Banana asked can we do both, and I said yes, so we went to the farmers market and then came home and did sprinklers. It was good we went. Banana always wants to go out and Apple always wants to stay in.

….

In a video that camp posted today, Banana is seen spontaneously dancing with another little girl. Therre was some kind of dance party going on during drop off that some of the kids were participating in, and Banana was right there third day of camp, dancing with another little girl. And I could see in the background Apple sitting quietly by himself.

They are so different.

….

Tonight at bed time I had a few seconds with just Apple while Banana and Smushy were playing and I asked him if he was having fun at summer camp. He said no. I said really, seriously, are you having fun. He said no.

I know that he is having fun. He can sometimes be a negative nelly when it comes to things, and likes being contradictory just for the sake of it (like his mommy). 

Are you sure you’re not having fun at camp?

No, just here with you, mommy.

Ad I thought about all the times i check the internet for all the validation from my internet friends and the pictures i post while we are still doing the activity. Like removing myself from these moments. And I think, my little boy, this is when he is having fun, he is overwhelmed at school and camp and he is having fun and I am removing myself from it.

It made me so sad and heartbroken.

….

I am lonely. I use the internet as a way to have adult contact during the day. My strength is interacting with people, I’m a therapist and my favorite was always group therapy. Before I was a therapist I was a. Youth leader and teacher. I need conversation. I need interaction.

So I do the best that I can. But I am still lonely.

And also, sometimes parenting is really intense, when it’s just me and the kids it can get too intense somehow. So I remove myself a little bit. Ad I regret it later. Lke why can’t I check in for a few minutes with the kids, why is it too intense for me.

But it is so intense. And so in many ways I am still scared to be totally present with my own children. And so I check out for a few seconds here and a few seconds there.

….

I’m not writing this to give myself some kind of resolution. I can’t promise myself anything. I’m a little disappointed in myself but I also know I am doing the best that I can. I am giving as much as I am able. I think it’s good enough. But I wish it could be more.

10 months

Smushy forgive me, all my devices are broken except my phone and the WordPress app has already crashed once so this will be brief…

10 months! I can’t believe it! Just a few minutes ago I was looking at your newborn pictures and I can’t believe how much you’ve changed…

At 10 months-

Likes

  • Kisses!
  • Getting into a sit from belly
  • Experimenting with all fours crawling instead of army crawling
  • Pulling up on everything and trying to do the stairs eeek
  • Walking! Well not by herself, but if I hold her hands she wants to walk everywhere. She wants to walk before she learns to crawl
  • Cruising… Slowly but definitely cruising. Gets sidetracked and tries to walk and plops on her tush
  • Strawberries. So. Many. Strawberries. Most of her diet seems to be strawberries and Cheerios and maybe scrambled eggs. But she will try basically anything, she had some broccoli from the Chinese food last night. 
  • Making a huge mess with her food! Spraying Cheerios or rice EVERYWHERE!
  • Knocking down her big siblings’ towers. I always know when she’s made her way into the play room by the shouts of “No! Baby no!!!”

Dislikes-

  • Doctors😦 poor baby has had two UTIs and a trip to the ER for high fever this month. It has been tough.
  • Diaper changes. This started around the time of the ER visit because every time I lay her on her back they did something awful to her😦. Now she just doesn’t like being on her back anymore at all. Mostly tolerates diaper changes with distraction.
  • Having her nails cut … I avoid it because she fights me so hard but I’m getting scratched up.
  • Being in the car … Just took a long road trip and she now screams when I load her into the car. She gets to choose a toy though and usually gets over her anger in a few seconds.
  • Sleeping …….. Arg …. I think she’s leaping because we are back to two wake ups and lots of grunting. If things don’t improve then when she’s finally done with this UTI and we have a stretch of routine days I am going to do night weaning. I’m so tired.

This has been an incredibly stressful month for me. The kids finished school and were home for two weeks. Smushy has had two UTIs, two rounds of antibiotics, one ER visit, a cold, and is obviously going through the a growth spurt. So she has been very clingy and fussy for me. We also went on a long drive to visit my parents and their a/c was broken which was a huge mess. My husband has been away twice. I’ve been getting headaches and in the last two weeks periodically gotten nauseous from anxiety and have had at least one mild panic attack. I went to the thyroid doctor for a check up and did some blood work, but when I look back at this month I guess it’s possible that this is just me feeling overloaded after a particularly hard month and it’s not quite over yet. I’m hoping for a smooth July. Ha.

But aside from that we have been doing some fun things. Just the kids and I – we have been to the beach and the pool and out to lunch. We have gone on play dates and gone to the playground. Sprinklers and bubbles in the yard. On our trip to my parents we went to a water park and did water slides, an arcade, and the zoo. So it has been a busy start to summer, good and also stressful.

The big kids are in camp now which means we can settle down a little again. I’m working on a schedule for smushy. I want to drop the kids at camp, come home and olay, then Smushy has her nap. We will see how it goes. If all goes well then I will get some break time again and that is good for everyone.

Smushy is just the sweetest baby and I love her to pieces. Every day I feel fortunate that I get a chance to have a singleton and experience all the love everyone talked about. With my twins of course I love them to pieces but it was always logistics and survival that overwhelmed me in the early days. I actually get to enjoy some down time with Smush (because feeding and cleaning her doesn’t take so much time!!) and it feels so great. And I love seeing how much my big kids love her too.

Ps can you believe my big kids are Almost four years old!!!! They are in the 4s group at camp! I need to write a post about them! So much to say! Maybe one day when either my computer or iPad isn’t broken and I can type coherently.

9 Months

My beautiful Smushy is 9 months old.  I decided to take some pictures with my nice camera this time, because now she has been out longer than in!

Likes

  • Making a big entrance (when we walk into a room with a lot of people she squeals and waves)
  • Poking things with her poker finger
  • Dancing while she eats
  • Songs with her name in them
  • Chasing the cats and trying to mimic their meows
  • Giving big slobbery kisses
  • Being held by mommy and MOMMY ONLY
  • Knocking down the big kids’ towers
  • Cheeeeeeriossss
  • Tossing food on the floor to see what happens
  • Her squishy rainbow ball and her plastic corn on the cob (favoritest toys)

Dislikes

  • Teething😦
  • Sleeping through the night
  • Taking reliable naps
  • Having me stick my fingers in her mouth to take out whatever gross / dangerous thing she just put in

The other night after I woke up at 1am for a feeding and then again at 5:30 for the day I decided I am reaching the end of my tolerance for night feedings.  I have not minded up until this point because usually when she wakes up in the night for a meal she will sleep later.  But if she’s going to wake up and still wake up for the day before 6am, then I can’t go on like this.

It’s not every night that she wakes up, and honestly I think I could probably easily stop feeding her.  So I might.  We’ll see.

She’s teething right now so this isn’t the right time to change a routine.  She gets fevers when she’s teething, like 101+, and is generally miserable.  Yay!   I don’t remember Apple and Banana getting fevers like this.  Poor Smush.

I think her naps would be reliable if we didn’t have to deal with drop off and pick up.  I briefly toyed with the idea of hiring a babysitter to hang out with her for an hour every morning so I could do this, so that she could get to the crib for sleep instead of falling asleep on the way to school.  I don’t know if I will follow up.  We will see.  Maybe once we switch her out of the bucket seat and it becomes impossible to let her nap in the car because of the heat, which I guess is happening in a few weeks or whenever we decide to officially switch because ……

She’s growing and her belly is something beautiful to behold.  She is 22lb 4oz, and 29″.  She’s basically outgrown the bucket seat.  Which means we need to do some shifting around in the car, one of the big kids will have to move to the back.  I can’t get her in and out of the car through the back without the bucket seat.  Right now I climb in and out through the trunk with the bucket and just pop her in, but once I have to buckle and unbuckle her then I want her in easy access from one of the side doors.  We’ve been discussing it … not sure how it is going to end up.  Probably just another thing for the big kids to fight over (who has to sit in the back).

Part of me starts worrying she is falling behind, the way the big kids fell behind.  I feel that anxiety bubbling up whenever I find out about another baby crawling or standing already.  Smushy is pulling up but not all the way, and she doesn’t cruise.  She pulls herself on her belly still and isn’t super interested in crawling, like doesn’t really rock on her hands and knees or anything.  I’m trying to show her but I’m also trying to chill out a little about it.  She’s not behind … and also my big kids caught up and now they can pedal tricycles and climb like monkeys and run and jump and hang from the bars.  So whatever happens, right??

This is it for now, don’t want to use my whole precious nap break writing … I just know she’s about to wake up!!

Summer plans

I love what Four to Adore did last summer: she came up with a summer bucket list and I think she really accomplished them all!

This summer I am cutting back on the hours the big kids will be at camp.  Originally they were going to be at camp 9-4, Mon-Wed, and 9-2 Thurs-Fri (and Fri afternoon with a babysitter).  This is what their school schedule has been and it has worked out really nicely with me being home with the baby.  But now that Smushy is older, it kind of feels a little silly to have the kids in school all day. Smushy is happier when the big kids are around, and though it is in many ways more challenging for me to have them with me, I am happier too!  I miss spending time with them – when they come home at 4, I plop them in front of the TV, yell at them to stop fighting, and make dinner.  This is not quality time!

I couldn’t even imagine having the kids home before 4 even a few weeks ago, but now I guess I have settled into mommy-of-3-ness, and I am ready to have my big kids home with me again.

WHAT AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO.

Ohhhh yeah I am going to have a babysitter at least one afternoon a week.  Haha!  Mommy can’t do it all the time!  And we always have a babysitter on Friday afternoons so I can prepare for Shabbat.  So .. twice a week babysitters.  So really it will only be just-mommy three afternoons a week.  Totally doable.

There is a three week break in August between camp and school.  One of those weeks I’m essentially going to run a camp in the back yard.  It’s not really a camp but it is going to be a big playdate every day and I am hiring sitters to help keep the kids entertained.  But the other two weeks the kids will be with me all the time all day.  Plus one week in June between school and camp, but I am already programming us for that week with play dates.

On one hand it is really daunting to have all three kids with me for so much time.  But on the other hand, I am home, this is my full time job right now, and I won’t get another opportunity to play the games that we play.

There is a chance, if Smushy IS settling into a nap routine, though I hesitate to say that she has found a routine, but there is a chance that basically during the summer I will drop  the kids off at camp, put Smushy to bed, then wait until she wakes up and give her lunch and go pick up the kids again.  So definitely a lot of our summer activities will involve the errand-running that I won’t get to do, like grocery stores.  Good thing they enjoy going to the grocery store!

But aside from errands, I want to have a great summer with the kids.  I wanted last summer to be a great one, because it was going to be our last summer with just two kids.  But oh, it was so hot, I was so pregnant.  We watched a lot of TV.  Plus potty training.

So here I am TOTALLY copying, even copying many of the items from her list.  Amber I hope you can forgive me.

SUMMER LIST:

  • Pool
  • Toddler beach
  • BEACH beach
  • Ice cream
  • Zoo
  • Popscicles
  • Hiking
  • Splash park
  • Painting
  • Inflatable pool
  • Bikes at the dam
  • Fireworks MAYBE (4th is finally not on Shabbat!!)
  • Find new playgrounds
  • Farmer’s market

I hope it’s not a cold rainy summer.  We will see.  I don’t have a ton of indoor activity ideas!

As a side note, I’m also cutting back their school hours during the year.  I will have to come up with Fall, Winter, and Spring lists too.  But first let’s see how well the summer list works for us:)

8 months

OY I have not been writing but anyway here we are at 8 months already !!! I can’t believe it.

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Likes:

  • SAYING MAMAMAMA WHEN SHE WANTS ME!  First word, people!  She really is referring to me when she says mamama, she looks around for me!  Or if I walk into the room she says it!
  • Army crawling EVERYWHERE … her little fingers grab everything!
  • Putting everything in her mouth (today I found a bandaid in there .. gross!!!!)
  • Waving!
  • Clapping!
  • Peekaboo!
  • Jumping!
  • Shaking shakers or banging on the xylophone
  • Being in the carrier / going on walks
  • Trying to catch the cats
  • “Helping” big brother and sister build their towers (much to their dismay)

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Dislikes:

  • Going to bed😦😦  Some real big tears about this.  Serious FOMO.
  • When I stick my finger in her mouth to get out whatever is in there (ugh bandaid !!!)
  • Being in the car seat
  • Spicy food (oops)

 

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Smushy is getting everywhere.  She must have had a leap because while we were traveling suddenly she learned to wave, clap, and became extremely mobile. She was army crawling before but now she is everywhere!  We had to move the cat food out of reach, and we need to buy a gate for the basement stairs because the old one broke a few months ago.  Otherwise we are mostly ready for this …

8mpics - 1 (1)Oh except I have to baby proof the play room which is a DISASTER.  Choking hazards EVERYWHERE.  And this baby puts everything in her mouth!  Apple and Banana did not do this!  Mostly because they were not mobile at this age, so if I kept choking hazards out of arms’ reach then they couldn’t do anything dangerous.  But she is on the move.  A few days ago she popped an entire plastic strawberry into her mouth, a thing I thought was too big for her mouth so I left it out, it was completely in there.  I squeezed her cheeks and it popped right back out but OH my heart.

I have to cut all her food into teeny pieces.  I never did this for the big kids.  But I can’t trust her to take bites.  My big kids always took nice bites, or if they didn’t they would spit it out.  Smushy stuffs entire things in her mouth, fillllls her mouth with food, and then gets upset.  If it’s soft enough she will sit there with her cheeks puffed out like a squirrel and eventually chew it all down and swallow.  But sometimes I have to go fish it out or she will sit there and cry about it.  So.  Tiny bite sized pieces of basically anything slightly mushy or totally soft.  She ate a whole bunch of strawberry and roasted zucchini tonight for dinner.

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Sleep is still what it is.  Usually one wake up.  When she is having a bad night it is 2-3 wake ups.  A few times she has slept through the night but it is not reliable.  Naps are whatever. If we’re home, she’s in the crib.  If we’re out, she’s in the car seat or carrier.  I have surrendered.

Maybe one day I will update on myself or the big kids… But it is still Pas.s.over and there is SO much cooking to do before Thursday night soooooo back to the kitchen I go.  PS I think Smushy is constipated from all the matzah she’s been eating this week😦  No more matzah for baby, and trying to get her to nurse a little more.  Fruit, veg, and milk that’s it!

7 months (and 2 weeks eek)

Okay Smushy is almost 8 months but let’s say 7 months …

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Smushy’s personality is really starting to come out.  I love her to pieces.  I have been working so hard at letting go, and sometimes my control freak ness comes out and I get frustrated and angry again and then I put my arms up on the roller coaster and away we go.

We had some people over for Shabbat dinner on Friday and it was time for Smush to go to bed, so I had her say good night and then took her up to bed.  That poor baby sobbed and sobbed like real sad sad sobs for missing the party.  She kept clamoring for the door, like trying to turn around and go back.  She saw all the fun people downstairs and came down with a serious case of FOMO.

She is just the happiest baby ever.  Today she was at her crankiest and it wasn’t so bad when Apple and Banana were around to cheer her up.  She had a rough night, and got a shot at the doctor, and ended up in the car seat for way too long today.  So she was pretty cranky.  But as soon as she saw big brother and big sister, all was well with the world once more.  She adores them and they adore her, they are her sun and moon.

Her doctor appointment today was just for two booster shots, it was short and sweet so they didn’t even do any stats.  I think also because we showed up 45min early and they wanted to get us in.  I secretly weighed her on the scale so I got her 7 month weight at 20.5lb which seems to still put her up at 93%.  She’s wearing 6-12mo clothes, closer to the 12mo size.  And she is getting super heavy in the bucket car seat but since she hasn’t outgrown it I am really resisting switching to her new seat.

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Likes

  • Apple and Banana
  • EATING. But no teeth yet !! So it is hard to find food she can mash with her gums!  Favorite food right now is strawberries, though she also loves raisin toast with vanilla yogurt on it.  She eats the kids’ crusts in the morning with yogurt haha.
  • Army crawling to get my phone… she gets tired quickly and frustrated, but she will scoot herself forward if there’s something she really wants.  But really, she would prefer …
  • Being worn or carried all the time!  I got a new carrier, the B.ec.o Gem.ini and she LOVES it.  More than any other carrier actually.  I put her in one I was borrowing and immediately she was kicking her legs and giggling. So I bought one and she loooves it.
  • That game where you pat her mouth and she sings and it sounds like bwah bwah bwah.  But she has figured out how to do it to herself, and now doesn’t really do it for you anymore, just pats her own mouth with her fist and goes bwah bwah bwah
  • Other babies!  She reaches for other babies and totally steals their toys!  Weird to be the mommy of a toy stealer because Apple and Banana were always on the other end of that at playdates!
  • Banging things onto other things to hear what sound it makes.
  • Games where I make her clap, but she hasn’t quite figured out clapping yet.
  • Giving amazing slobbery kisses:):)  My favorite.  She gives kisses to other people too, especially big brother and big sister.
  • Bouncing in her doorway bouncer.  Sometimes I think she just likes it because she’s upright and more part of the action.  She doesn’t always bounce, sometimes just hangs out looking around.  Banana always BOUNCED.  Apple was never in the doorway bouncer, he had a different thing with toys on it, so he didn’t always bounce.  It’s funny watching Smushy kind of hang there and watch everyone and then periodically break out into serious joyful bouncing.
  • Cheesing for the camera!  And trying to steal my phone!!

Dislikes

  • Taking naps or going to bed, especially when people are around and she knows it.  She’s also hard to nurse when people are around.  Busy bee has serious FOMO.
  • Being more than one foot away from me EVER
  • Food that she can’t mash up that gets stuck in her mouth.  She will whine at me until I pull it out.  I know technically according to the book I’m not supposed to pull food out of her mouth, and she will spit it out eventually, but she wants to chew and swallow and gets frustrated when she can’t.

 

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Smushy is really a wonderful, joyful baby.  You can see her list of dislikes is very short.  I am just learning that I need to go to bed earlier so I can get enough total sleep to not be a zombie during the day.  Last night she woke up extra times, I think from a bad dream, she was really upset one of the times I went in.  Usually she’s just grunting and I haven’t sleep trained overnight or else I might leave her, but this time she was upset and took some doing to calm her down, which is unusual.  Then she woke up because she overflowed her diaper.

I realize at some point I will probably have to night train her but I am still hoping that eventually the night wakings will go on their own.  Sometimes she doesn’t wake up, which is wonderful, but rare and unpredictable.  Usually she wakes up once in the middle of the night and then wakes for the day sometime between 5-6am.  Sometimes she wakes up twice.

Trying to keep my zen.  TRYING.  Sometimes successfully and sometimes not.  The big kids stayed up late on Friday night and we are still recovering from that lack of sleep, and it is hard to be zen when you’re solo with two exhausted 3.5yr olds and a baby that’s sick of being bored all day.  Lots of deep breaths.  But life is so good.  Apple and Banana should get their own update soon, if I get another moment …

Lessons in flexibility

This morning I did yoga at sunrise.

Because my darling baby woke me at 5:30am.  And I can’t get in the bathroom until my husband is done at 6:30.  And it was 6:15 when Smushy was done nursing.  So… I put her on the floor with the bin of baby toys I keep in the bedroom (I have bins of toys in every room in the house and mix them around periodically) and did 15 minutes of yoga.  My old 15 minute routine.

Ah.

Smushy is a lesson in flexibility that I am learning every. single. day.

With twins I was so so rigid.  We had The Schedule.  We had The Routines.  It was important to survival that every day be exactly like every other day.

Smushy is all over the map.  Every few days my husband or I try to find a pattern to her behavior and then the other one of us says HASHTAG NO PATTERN and makes the hashtag finger sign like that SNL sketch with Ju.stin Tim.b.erlake.

THERE IS NO PATTERN.

So… without a pattern, there is no schedule.  Without a schedule, there is chaos.

Wet, fat cheeked, kissy faced chaos.  Oh Smushy I love you so much but you are making me so crazy with your hashtag-no-pattern.

When I say “gimme a kiss” she leans in all romantacally with her hooded eyelids and opens her slobbery mouth wide and then plants a wet fish-mouth sucker kiss right on my cheek.  IT IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING.

Every day I am learning how to be flexible.  I have NEVER been a flexible person.  Having twins and the rigidity that came with that was very very natural to me.  But now I have to be flexible.  Sometimes she naps in the car, sometimes in the crib, sometimes in the carrier, sometimes not at all.  Sometimes I get to make art, sometimes I get to poo alone, sometimes I get to do yoga, sometimes I get to nap, sometimes I don’t do any of those things and I shove cookies in my face hole.

I’m learning how to be flexible.  I’m learning how to be okay with that.  I’m learning how to find a way to make plans with friends and not be a huge flake.  I’m learning that maybe she doesn’t get as cranky as I’m afraid she will, and she’s only one baby, and maybe it’s fine if she naps in the car for a while until we are down to fewer naps, or maybe whatever.

This is a hard lesson.  I find myself getting wound up and angry and frustrated.  Like, a lot.

WHY IS EVERY MORNING DIFFERENT.

WHY DO I NOT KNOW IF I AM GOING TO EAT BREAKFAST ALONE.

WHY DO I NOT KNOW IF I AM GOING TO BE ALONE _AT ALL_ TODAY????

Breakfast today:

Photo on 4-4-16 at 7.31 AM

Futsing on the internet, playing with a bead maze, eating my yogurt, holding Smushy.

I was telling someone about this and she said she was impressed I ate the yogurt.  Hell yes I ate that yogurt.  Do you know if I don’t have time to eat my yogurt before the big kids wake up, when I go into their room I warn them that I haven’t eaten yet and they need to be fast, because they know … MAMA GETS HANGRY.  So for everyone’s sake, I eat my yogurt, whatever it takes.

I’m learning.  I’m learning how to prioritize.  I’m learning how to create small routines that can be shuffled around, so one disruption doesn’t create cascade failure.  I’m learning I’m learning I’m learning.

This is one of the biggest lessons of my life!

Overbooked day

Today we had swim class, P.urim carnival, baking hamentashen, and also grandma was here.

BUSY DAY!

But good day, just busy!

Our costumes are: Monkey (Apple), Owl (Banana), Sunflower (Smushy), and two butterflies:)

I can’t believe she let me keep that sunflower hat on her for so long.  I took it off because she got fussy and I thought it was because of the hat, but it was actually just because she was getting hungry.

This is my favorite holiday because of the dressing up.  The costumes are sweet and fun and silly.  I used to like Ha.llowe.en because of the dressing up but now I think I like P.urim better, even though the holiday has some dark and tragic roots it is pretty joyous and generous vs menacing and haunting.

Anyway had to share the costumes … back to normal life tomorrow … but more costume wearing later this week when it is actually the holiday!