12 weeks pp

8 weeks vs 12 weeks

I’m actually glad I’m keeping up with this because I haven’t lost any weight but I can see my belly tightening up a little.

I’m finding more clothes that I like that look good and make me feel good. I’m wearing my big crazy jewelry again (when I remember). I just bought a Fitbit and I’m arranging weekly hikes with friends and almost weekly neighborhood walks to coffee ( though the last one was to frozen yogurt after this past weekend o deserved it!)

Anyway I forgot to take one of these to include in my 12 week post on Wednesday so here it is. Maybe I’ll find a comparison pic from last time somewhere…

12 weeks


Well I haven’t been keeping up with any kind of updates here… She won’t nap unless she’s on me so I’m typing on my phone in the exact position of the second picture.

Smushy is 12 weeks old today, I can’t even believe it. Her babyhood is going by too fast. She’s so awake and opinionated and busy. She has an amazing, generous smile. She’s babbling up a storm except when I try to record it. She’s kicking and wiggling but shows no interest in rolling. She’s consistent at night, it’s good but I am still tired.


  • Being in the wrap or being held in general
  • Being outside
  • Her big sister and brother
  • Eating
  • Sucking her knuckles
  • This weird monster toy that hangs from the arches
  • Kicking and wiggling
  • Pooping in such massive quantities no brand of diaper can contain
  • Bath time


  • Being in the car seat- AT ALL
  • sleeping during the day
  •  Lotion time after bath
  • Loud noises especially the hand driers in public bathrooms
  • Sleeping … 

As for me, I had a check up with my endo and my fasting blood sugar was normal and my 3mo blood sugar average was normal so I have officially cleared the diabetes!!! My thyroid surprisingly is hyper, which is weird because I am not losing weight or feeling hyper at all. I’m going back next month to see if there’s any changes.

Weight loss is obviously on my mind so I won’t talk about that here.

I’ve been connecting with other moms in the neighborhood for walks. Also have been trying to go on a hike every week. I’ve been on 4 hikes plus one long city trip so that’s pretty good! 

Emotionally doing ok. Tired and stressed and overwhelmed. But I think this is normal. Life is super crazy. I’m frustrated she only sleeps on me but at the same time it makes me sit for a few minutes.

It’s going by too fast, I can’t believe it. I feel like I am neglecting the big kids sometimes but I’m doing my best.

Oops phone is about to die… So much nap time phone use oy!

Birthday :)

My birthday was on Monday and now I have 4 minutes until Shabbat and I will write as quickly as I can, this is the only chance I have where Smushy is sleeping and my big kids are with the sitter and I am NOT DOING ANYTHING UNTIL CANDLE LIGHTING.

My birthday present was my husband took a day off work, got the kids up, and we went out after the kids went to school.  So it was just me, husband, and Smushy in the city for a day.  We got croissants and tea, we went shopping at the holiday craft market (where he convinced me to buy things that are usually out of my price range), we got Sha.ke Sh.a.ck mushroom burger which I had never had before.  We bought fancy cupcakes and brought them home for my birthday dessert.  We had no candles but the kids sang happy birthday to me and I ate three chocolate mini cupcakes and they were DELICOUS.  He hung up my jewelry display thingie for me.  He went and got the kids from school and we had dinner together and the kids went to bed and we had dessert and went to bed and Smushy did a long-ish stretch for me.

It was a really wonderful day, I was so happy to have such a nice birthday.  Not all birthdays are so nice and I get so anxious because there is PRESSURE TO HAVE A GOOD DAY on your birthday.  Last year everyone was sick and nobody wanted mommy and I was so so so sad.  This year was totally different.  The kids are really into birthdays now and wanted to make mine special.  They said happy birthday for me first thing when they saw me in the morning.  It was just so lovely.

I feel so grateful for my family.  I really am often amazed at how great things are going.  Sometimes I am worried that means something bad is about to happen.  There was some study or poll or something where people were given a description of a movie where a family is happily driving in a car, singing songs together, on a sunny day … and the people were asked, what’s next, and most people said “car crash.”  EEK.  I think of that a lot when things are going great, that we are always expecting the car crash, but why.  I hope hope hope things can keep going as they are.  I am living in the present because it’s so good right now in so many ways.

Happy birthday to me.  I am hoping this next year continues to be great.

Out with the old (and too small)

Well I am not quite keeping up with the yoga like I had hoped but I still have a goal of doing it every night, just need to get back into that somehow.

Today I went through my dresser and put away clothes that are too small.  I did this at some point postpartum last time too.  It’s not helpful to have drawers bursting with clothes and most of them don’t fit.  It is sad looking at my drawers now, my shirts drawer is a bunch of tank tops and three long sleeve shirts that I’m not sure how to wear (they are tight, I would wear with jeans but not wearing jeans right now, am debating getting rid of these too) and two sweaters I actually like … I mean it’s just sad.

But it is nice to know everything fits.  Not sure how to wear everything yet but it all fits.  That’s a start.

My pants drawer only has yoga pants, pajama pants, and jeggings / leggins.  No real pants.  Goal would be to find real pants at some point.

I went on a hike today with a friend and wore a dress and leggings and cardigan.  This is not hiking clothing.  But I have no pants.  And only two shirts right now go with my jeggings.  So, fancy hiking clothes it is.

I hung up my jewelry finally as part of my birthday celebration (birthday post later!).  It is nice to see my jewelry again.  We’ve lived here almost 2 years and I haven’t seen anything which means I haven’t worn anything.  I don’t have much but I like what I have.


pretty much everything except the necklace i’m wearing right now

I got rid of all mismatching socks.  Sorry, lonely socks, I have no use for you …  (The nice ones get cut up into leg warmers for Smushy)

I still have to go through the closet to get rid of the dresses that don’t fit that I love too much to donate right now.

Maybe one day I will lose weight but I don’t know.  Lots of people I know say they didn’t lose weight until they stopped nursing.  I have an appointment next Monday to check my thyroid and see if there’s anything going on.

Doing this actually makes me feel GOOD.  It’s terrible looking at clothes you can’t wear.  It’s terrible remembering yourself wearing them, putting them on and going … did this shrink or did I grow, and how is it that I don’t remember growing ?? How is it I look in the mirror and I don’t seem that different but these clothes won’t fit?

So, off you go!  Get out of my sight!  My mantra right now is that it’s not my job to fit my clothes, it’s my clothes’ job to fit me and make me look good.

Maybe one day I will wear these clothes again.  Maybe if I get back to that size I won’t even like these clothes anymore.  Maybe.  But right now I can’t bear to keep trying them on and struggling to find outfits.  Everything I own should fit and look good and make me feel good.  Easier said than done ……..!!

Bringing back the yoga

Two nights ago I decided to do my 10min of yoga again. Before bed instead of morning because mornings are unpredictable and rushed. I figured I could do this little thing right before bed, why not.

My body felt sluggish and heavy. Every extra pound – I felt. Thankfully my flexibility was still there but I could really feel the extra weight. At the end I felt amazing. I did it again last night and it was a little easier. I think I can do this.

Meanwhile, I have gained two pounds in two weeks. It’s happening again. I called my endo but she hasn’t called me back. I have an appointment for the 16th so at this point I may as well wait. But I think my thyroid is crashing again. I’m really not eating much junk I think, but I am starving and eating sort of large quantities. So it could also be that. I guess we will see.

Last night I put all three kids to bed by myself and then danced (quietly!!) in the dining room. I felt competent as a mom and I didn’t even yell so bonus points for me!!!

My new favorite selfie 

Smushy sleeps wonderfully at night (ptu ptu ptu) but won’t sleep during the day unless she’s on me or has been driven/walked around. So this means right now I’m going to target for no reason. It’s annoying but I’d much rather have it this way than the other way around!

What to say to postpartum mommy

“You look great!”

Or nothing at all.

Keep your mouth shut about my body unless it’s nice. And ACTUALLY nice, not like, fake nice to make yourself feel good and needed.

Why would someone else care about what I’m wearing or my belly or how much freaking exercise I get.

I don’t even feel negative about my body until someone says something. Right now my energy is focused so externally I don’t even have to start ruminating on my flab.

I’m the same weight I was when I left the hospital, essentially. Am I dwelling on this? Well I wasn’t until this week when someone decided to be helpful and comment on my body and how to get into shape. And comment on it again when I saw her today accidentally in the store. And then she tried to invite herself and her daughter to my house and I’ve had just about all the help I can get thank you.

I don’t want to focus on my body right now and yet here I am. I spent 15 min picking at my skin before bed, which I hadn’t done even once postpartum, my classic anxiety thing I do. Pick pick pick. It’s disgusting and I hate that I do it. Pick pick pick.

Fuck I can’t shake this. I’m anxious anxious anxious. It’s not fair. I’m only 9 weeks postpartum. It’s not fair. Leave me alone. I’m falling apart. I found clothes that make me feel good you can’t take that away from me.

My happiness is so frail and I’m angry I’m letting it be taken away from me. I’m ruminating over topics I have no control over. I’m stress eating while wishing I was skinnier. When I know that my soft belly is a pillow for my new baby and that’s enough for now, I can be skinny later. But instead I’m crying.

It’s not fair. Don’t comment on my body. I have enough to worry about. I’m feeding so many bodies. I’m doing what I can. I can’t focus on my body right now, I need it to just do what it does. I’ll fix it later.


Everything I thought it would be

Having one baby at a time is awesome. I am really loving the guilt free snuggles and I am loving nursing and I’m loving being able to go out without a stroller sometimes and how all-terrain it feels to have just a backpack.

Having three kids is freaking amazing. The house is always loud and someone is always moving and wiggling and there are even long stretches of time when nobody is crying. Big Sister loves Little Sister and strokes her hair and makes her smile. Big Brother loves Little Sister and brings her toys and makes grand expert statements about things she might like or not like. Big Brother and Big Sister fight and wrestle but mostly stay clear of the baby.

It’s loud and it’s hard and there’s juggling and negotiating and poo and pee and spit up everywhere. And then it’s dinner and bath and bedtime for the bigs at 8 and mommy and baby go to the baby room to finish nursing in peace and darkness. And then it’s 9pm and it’s quiet. 

I’m constipated because I don’t have time to poo. I’m thanking Gd when baby sleeps enough that I can get 4 hours of continuous sleep. I’m guzzling tea more than water. I’m doing laundry every day I can’t believe there’s more laundry. I’m shouting at the kids to just PLEASE help me out and don’t make this harder than it needs to be!!!! I’m letting the baby cry so I can make the big kids breakfast first. I’m sitting on the floor of the bathroom nursing while Big Brother sits on the toilet trying to poo and Big Sister begs me to read that awful book I wish I had hidden.

I’m hiding in the bathroom FINALLY pooping while aba plays with all three downstairs and video chats savti.

I’m loving it. So overwhelmed but happy. 

8 weeks

4, 6, 8 weeks


8 weeks postpartum today.  I haven’t seemed to lose any weight in the last month as you can see from the picture at 4, 6, and 8 weeks.  I may have gained weight, it’s unclear, or at least my belly isn’t going down!  But my boobs are huge!!!

Thank goodness for huge boobies, they are doing their job it seems, except the last meal of the night she really struggles for. I’ve been drinking fenugreek tea even though I know my supply is fine, it’s *fine*, but every night the last meal before her long stretch she really struggles at the breast.  So I wonder if it’s fine during the day but then totally tanks at night.  Also Smushy prefers righty to lefty, last night I tried putting her on lefty and she flipped out and wouldn’t nurse.  I switched her to righty and she went at it like a starving baby.  I’m trying to nurse her on the left more, though, because it doesn’t produce as much as the right (made half as much milk when I pumped this morning!).  I had a blister there so at some point I was favoring the other side and now it’s uneven, but I’m pretty sure that last time righty was better than lefty also.

I’m feeling pretty good, though tired.  Last night she wouldn’t stop nursing until almost midnight, and then slept until 4:45.  Obviously she is ready to stretch out her sleep but it is inconsistent as to when she is going to do that long stretch.  It would be nice if I could figure out some kind of pattern but life is still going in random spurts and stops.

Emotionally I feel amazing.  It’s so much different than last time.  I feel so good.  I feel bonded with my baby.  I love holding and snuggling her.  I miss her when I put her down (sometimes).  I don’t get angry when she cries.  I feel like I finally get to experience a little bit of mommy bliss that I was so jealous of the first time around when I was struggling.

I’m not getting any exercise which I think is contributing to the lack of weight loss.  Also from 4-6 weeks was a junk food binge at my in-laws, so much cake and ice cream and cookies.  So I am trying to be a little more sensible but at the same time food is my main self-care right now, so much easier to grab a piece of chocolate from the kitchen than find time (and energy) for a walk.

I did go buy some clothing yesterday to help me feel good about how I present myself to the world.  I’m not hanging out with new moms all the time like last time, I have school drop off to worry about.  It’s not a huge worry but I do want to look at least presentable for the other moms.  I think I am succeeding somewhat.  I’m trying anyway.  It’s hard to get to school on time so I’m not seeing them for the most part anyway.

me nursing in the fitting room


She is just as cute as can be.  I feel like what’s going on with her is so intermingled with what’s going on with me that I don’t even know what to write here.  She’s lying on the floor as I write this, wiggling and kicking.  She reaches for toys.  She smiles.  She kicks her legs over like she almost can roll over but she hasn’t gone over yet, and Banana seemed like she might also but never got around to it so my hopes aren’t high.

She takes a bottle, thank GD.  My husband has been able to give her a bottle a few times when I have been frustrated early in the morning and I dump her on his chest and then go back to sleep.

Her sleep is still not organized but she’s only 8 weeks old so I don’t have high expectations for that either.  My expectations for her right now are that she nurses from both boobs and makes poops and sometimes sleeps and hopefully sleeps at night.  People ask me if she sleeps through the night yet.  I don’t understand how you can ask someone that question.  1) If she slept through the night I certainly wouldn’t tell you because it would jinx it. 2) If she doesn’t sleep through the night you can tell.  Don’t ask me about her sleep.  At 6 weeks old my mom was asking me if she slept through the night, my response was SHE IS SIX WEEKS OLD!  Such high expectations for a baby.  Let’s just focus on getting her to not sleep on my chest all night, right?  She’s sleeping in the crib now which is huge.  So at least when I am in bed I am baby-less.  But there are tradeoffs.

rolls for days


Apple and Banana are great older siblings.  This morning Smushy was fussing on the play mat and the kids were hovering around my legs while I made breakfast and I told them to go make Smushy smile.  And the left the kitchen and totally got her to stop crying.  It was amazing.  They really are very good big brother/sister.  Banana is especially interested in her, which I think is great.  I love the idea of them being friends.  I never had a sister growing up so I wonder what that relationship is like. But definitely Smushy gives Banana enormous smiles.

Speaking of the big kids I have to go get them from school.  Once a week I pick them up early and we go do something fun.  Today we are going to the car wash (!!) and then going to make jack-o-lanterns outside.  And by making jack-o-lanterns I mean they’re going to help me scoop out pumpkin guts and then I will carve them later, maybe tomorrow or Friday afternoon.

Life is as good as it gets, really.  I feel amazing and so busy.  Things are hard I won’t pretend this is all easy, it is very hard and I am treading water most days.  But it’s good.  It feels good.

Slow Chaos

Did I already write this post?  It turns out I don’t have time to check.

Taking care of a baby is a slow kind of chaos.  You’re doing one thing and you blink and it’s been an hour.  How is it possible that an hour has gone by and I still haven’t eaten enough and I haven’t lceaned anything up and didn’t I have to go to the bathroom ??

Mondays are the worst for this slow chaos, or I guess the first day I’m alone with baby, I am so tired and haven’t organized myself for the week yet and suddenly I have to pick up the kids in 30min and I have barely just eaten lunch.

I start taking a video of Smushy kicking aroun on the floor and realize the video is 5min long and nothing has happened and I don’t understand how I didn’t notice 5 minutes going by.

Slowly tumbling through time and space.

Time seems to have little meaning.  In the morning so much happens in such a short amount of time.  I shower, pump while eating breakfast, wake up the big kids, brush their teeth and dress and feed them and make their lunches and take them to school… This all happens in about 2.5 hours.  Then I went to the doctor, ate lunch, and had a nap… in 6 hours.  It wasn’t even a long nap.  What happened to my day?  I was going to be productive?

We can’t decide what our night time strategy is.  Smush slept from 6pm-1am Saturday night so we felt she was ready for a real bed time.  But she certainly did not sleep that long last night. 8-12, 1-3, 4-5:30, 6:30-9.  nd then has chosen basically not to sleep at all today after wking up at 9 and I guess feeling like she was left out of  the whole morning routine and didn’t want to miss anything else.  She probbly napped from 1-2, I hope she did because I plopped her in the crib and went to sleep, my exhaustion level being no longer manageable.

Last night she was in the crib in her room and I was going in to nurse etc but I kept driftig off in the chair and also it meant waking up all the way .. vs previously she was in the cosleeper, which was fine until the night her bright little eyes opened at 3:30am and did not shut until 5:30 and I wanted to claw my face off I was so tired.

Time has no meaning, it stretches and bends and slides away.


Survived Columbus Day

Friends, I survived my first federal holiday alone with 3 kids.

Loading the car all three were crying and I literally said I CAN’T BELIEVE ALL THREE OF YOU ARE CRYING RIGHT NOW and then left them in the car for a second to run in adn get my phone I had forgotten.  It was a huge ordeal getting everyone out of the house for some reason even though I do it for school without this ordeal.  I think it was the change in routine, and I had let them sleep in, and had a lazy breakfast, and so on.

The morning was good meeting up with friends and going on a hike and a picnic.  Then I guess we stayed too long because after our friends left, Apple fell off a rock and scraped his elbow and the whole thing turned to sh*t.  I only have two arms, I ended up with a dirty baby (had to put her down in the dirt to pick up my big boy who was scared and crying, I had been wearing Smushy in the carrier and nursing her when he fell so no time to put her back in, ugh).  Banana faking injuries to get attention.  So much crying.  The longest walk back to the car ever, everyone’s “shoes are tired”.

Thank GD they napped for almost 2hours in the car in the driveway.  But while they napped, could I sleep?  No, because Smushy was awake and would not let me leave her anywhere.  Then Banana woke up and I brought her inside to pee, and then Smushy fell asleep, then Apple woke up in a terrible mood.  Then a movie on the couch, and scrambling to heat up leftovers for dinner, and Smushy’s nose keeping her up CLUSTER FEEDING until almost midnight , and then she’s up most of the night, and I am tired tired tired.

I should be napping, I told myself I would give myself 7 minutes to write a blog post and then jump on the couch.  She was asleep after school drop off this morning but I thought she was going to wake up, she had been grunting, so I drank a whole glass of tea, and then she didn’t wake up and I couldn’t sleep.  So I actually kind of woke her up.  Now she’s back to sleep, I don’t know for how long, so it’s nap time for me.

Going to try to give her a bottle tonight.  She’s rejecting pacifiers but we haven’t tried SUPER hard yet.  I’m worried I put it off too long.  I didn’t want to give her pacifiers or bottles while we had help living with us because I didn’t want to let anyone else feed or soothe her.  But now she’s almost 7 weeks (!!) and hasn’t had any synthetic nipples yet, might be too late, please please please let it not be too late.  I don’t need her to get a bottle regularly but I would like it when she is sleeping through the night for our babysitter to be able to give her a bottle and put her to bed so we can go out earlier and have dinner and whatever.  Like we are going to do this Saturday night (but have to bring Smushy with us).

Okay time for a nap.